Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I’ve been seeing “Beth” for a few months. A couple dates in, we touched on our recent romantic history. I’ve been single for a couple years — I had put dating on hold after a string of bad dates, was focusing on my career and finally felt ready to date again. Beth shared that she recently got out of a three-year-long relationship and that they had lived together.
Recently I learned that Beth and her ex — I’ll call him “Ted” — bought her dog together. When they broke up, they decided Beth would keep the dog because she has a nice yard and more flexible schedule. They also decided Ted would try to stay in the dog’s life — again, news to me. So they have an agreement where if Ted texts in advance and she OKs it, he can pop by and see the dog, even if she isn’t home. Beth didn’t change her door lock code when Ted moved out so that Ted can have easier dog access.
I only learned all this because we were at her place the other night having dinner when she got a text and said Ted wanted to pop by but she told him no and felt bad about it. That’s when she told me the whole arrangement. I feel like she was hiding this and I feel like the whole scenario is weird. I don’t even know her door lock code! And it makes me uncomfortable to think of Ted hanging out when no one else is home.
Beth checks all the boxes — she’s kind, generous, pretty, and she really cares about her community and her career. Part of me feels like Ted is taking advantage of her by creating this awkward situation. But I’ve never lived with anyone so maybe I’m overreacting. Or maybe I’m not? What do you think?
Wanda says:
Beth and Ted’s arrangement probably made a lot of sense as they were ending their relationship. I’m sure they both adore their pup and I’m sure it was tough for Ted to walk away. No doubt they were trying to navigate their separation with maturity and care and were trying to find some middle ground that would keep everyone happy — not to mention lessen the trauma for the dog who was suddenly losing a vital pack member.
Now that some time has passed, and Beth is dating again, she may have overestimated just how well her open-door relationship with Ted would land with new partners. You’re also the new guy, and while I congratulate you on your few months of honeymoon-period happiness, I encourage you to maintain perspective: The two of you are still feeling out future potential, and Beth had quite a lengthy relationship with Ted. That’s not to say he’s more important, but he is, clearly, still important, if only for the fact that they both want to keep the peace and maintain their dog’s sense of security.
ADVERTISEMENT
When the time is right, and if you and Beth keep growing in your relationship, you could introduce a compromise to Ted’s house visits — like dog park play dates, or doggie field trips to Ted’s place. Meanwhile, as you’re navigating the early dating days, you’re probably better off working on building and maintaining trust, keeping faith in Beth and being supportive of her actions and choices, which are surely rooted in kindness.
Wayne says:
I’m not Beth, and I’m not her basically colorblind dog, but I’m seeing some big red flags with you, buddy. You never even mention how you feel about “the dog,” or the dog’s name, breed, personality … It’s all about your feelings on the ex situationship and your judgment of how Beth’s handling her life. Let me fill you in: Beth and “her dog” are a package deal, whether her ex is in the picture or not. You’d better become a dog guy soon, or at least gain some awareness about the importance of her dog to her, or you’ll be in the dog house or maybe even dumped off at the online dating pound before you know it.
Second, why the hell would she give you her door code at this point? You’re lucky you got your foot in the door for dinner and possibly dessert at her place. And you’re also lucky that her pup didn’t get protective of Mom when it felt your vibes were off and bite you in the leg.
It’s actually impressive that Beth and her ex ended things in a way that allows them to respectfully communicate and iron out agreements and logistics that get their dog all the love and time it needs with each of its pet parents. And good for Beth for being up-front and honest with you, and — it should be noted — saying no to her ex for a doggie date when the time wasn’t right. You know, when she was having a dinner date with you at her place?
Give Beth a break, man. You’re the one making it unnecessarily awkward. She certainly doesn’t need to juggle her dog, her ex, and some new guy who isn’t ready for adult-level conversations or can fathom that she had a life before you came along … or that you may not even like her dog! If you manage to get over the stress and trauma that their agreement is putting on you, run to the pet store and grab some snackies and a few toys, and start winning back some points with Beth and her dog.
[Wayne and Wanda: Keeping the relationship afloat in the wake of a boat purchase]
[Wayne & Wanda: He’s a night owl. I’m an early riser. Will moving in together break our relationship?]
This post was originally published on this site be sure to check out more of their content.
