Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband “Evan” and I have a 6-year-old daughter, “Zara,” and a 3-year-old son, “Preston.”  A little over a year ago we got a cocker spaniel puppy, “Larry.” For the past six months, whenever the kids don’t comply with something Evan tells them to do or do something they aren’t supposed to do, he threatens to return Larry to the dog breeder, resulting in them becoming hysterical and begging me not to let their dad get rid of the dog. Zara and Preston aren’t out-of-control monsters; these are just normal little kid things, like forgetting to put away their toys or not wanting to eat their vegetables. I have said as much to Evan and asked him to stop, but his answer is that it gets instant results, so he won’t “get rid of the most effective tool in the parenting box.” It may get the desired result, but I hate seeing my kids despondent on a routine basis and think what Evan is doing is cruel and psychologically harmful. What can I do here?

—Dog-Tired of This

Dear Dog-Tired,

It’s gross and frankly disturbing that your husband sees threatening the family dog as some kind of brilliant parenting hack. Even if you don’t believe he’d follow through with these threats, the kids apparently do, which is awful. I don’t see how they can possibly trust or feel safe with a parent whose go-to punishment involves using the pet they love as leverage.

All sorts of punitive actions might “get instant results,” if all you’re looking for is to shut down a behavior. Evan should already know that the goal is not to get your kids to listen and obey, no matter what. What good is obedience if your children can’t trust or feel safe with you? Threatening children doesn’t actually teach them how to be “good,” or why it’s important to listen to you. It teaches them to comply out of fear.

What your husband is doing is not “effective” parenting; it is manipulative and abusive. You’ve already asked him to stop, and he hasn’t—now you need to tell him. Make sure he knows that this is a dealbreaker for you, and keep your eye out for any future “discipline” or behavior on his part that involves threatening your children in such a cruel way.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I have been fostering our 13-year-old daughter almost continuously since she was 2. We want to be careful not to destroy the few links between her and her biological mom “Kari.” One of those links is her name: Kari named her after a famous and recognizable reality TV star—not “Snooki,” but I’ll use that name here. Snooki has always complained about her name and tried to go by a nickname. We call her the nickname at home, but she says it hasn’t stuck at school.

Kari is having her parental rights terminated by the state this year. We plan to adopt Snooki. Kari loves Snooki very much, but has been bouncing in and out of prison for her daughter’s whole life. We’ve tried to gently encourage Kari to seek addiction and mental health services, but her struggles run deep, and she’s an adult who makes her own choices. We take Snooki to occasional visitation with her mom. Kari also writes her a weekly letter, and has all her life. With the upcoming adoption, Snooki asked if she could change her name. We said we’d be happy to share our last name, but she says she wants to change her first name too. We suggested pushing Snooki to her middle name since she doesn’t have one, but she’s not having it.

On one hand, we want her to know that she is loved and belongs in our family, but on the other, there’s very little linking her to her bio mom and I don’t want her to lose that. Her bio mom is already heartbroken over losing custody. But I’d hate being named Snooki too, and I want to do right by her. Should we agree to it, or make her wait until she’s 18?

—A Rose By Any Other Name?

Dear Rose,

I’m glad you recognize how important it is for Snooki to maintain a connection with her mother. And I think there are many ways she might be able to do so, with your support, that will ultimately matter far more—and do more to preserve and strengthen that relationship—than insisting that she keep a name she dislikes.

My fellow adoptee Tony Hynes has written about growing up with his foster (later adoptive) parents and still wanting his birth family to be seen and recognized, emphasizing that foster and adoptive parents must be aware of the language they use when discussing a child’s biological family. The way you all talk about Kari—and interact with her, when you’re able to see her—is important; Snooki should hear and know that you respect her mother and her family of origin because they are a part of her. It’s good that you’re already refraining from judging or looking down on Kari due to her struggles. You can still recognize her as your daughter’s mother, part of her family, because she is.

You can encourage Snooki to keep her mother’s letters and write back if she wants to. You can treat visits with Kari as important, worthy events, not a chore or an obligation. You can make it clear that you’ll never feel upset or threatened by your child’s relationship with her mother, so she knows she’ll never have to prove her loyalty or rank those who love her. If she is connected with other birth relatives who love and care for her, do what you can to support her in maintaining those relationships as well—it is and will continue to be important for her to be able to ask questions of and about the people she comes from.

Back to the name: If Snooki keeps any part of her birth name, perhaps it makes more sense to keep her surname as a middle name or part of her last name, as long as she doesn’t hate that name too? She will still know that Kari loves her—and she is old enough to remember that her mother gave her a name out of love. But keeping a strongly disliked first name forever is not the only way she can remember that love or feel connected to Kari, and at her age, I do think it’s ok to allow her to choose another that fits her better.

Catch Up on Care and Feeding

· Missed earlier columns this week? Read them here.
· Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group!

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a wonderful 12-year-old who is kind, caring, sweet, funny, and incredibly smart. He’s also a slacker who will, in all circumstances, do the bare minimum required of him. It wasn’t a big deal when he was a toddler who needed to know exactly how many bites of dinner he needed to consume, but now that he’s in junior high, it’s becoming a problem. Now he will only read the exact number of pages assigned to him no matter how much he loves the book. He will practice his assigned music homework and no more, though he claims to love playing his instrument. His grades are slipping because he’s decided that a B+ is fine, so why spend 5 minutes doing his homework when he could be staring at his phone instead? How can I get him to apply himself to something—anything?

—Chafed in Chicago

Dear Chafed,

I’ve read your letter several times and can’t find a ton of evidence for the assertion that your son is a “slacker”? He’s reading the pages he was assigned and practicing his instrument as often as he was told. He’s meeting expectations. If your actual problem is that he’s not going over and above, ok—but that’s not really the same thing as slacking off, is it?

If he is actually skipping his homework on a regular basis, that is a problem, of course. You could try establishing a rule that there’s no phone time after school until all his homework is done. It’s possible that you’ll also need to be more involved than you’d like when it comes to oversight, checking on a daily and/or weekly basis to make sure he’s completing his assignments. He doesn’t have to make straight As every quarter, but he should do his work and try his best.

To your larger question—how can you force your son to apply himself?—first I think it’s worth noticing and giving him credit for what he is doing, like completing his assigned reading for class and practicing his instrument. Sounds like he’s generally doing what he is expected to do and getting pretty good grades? If that’s really the case, perhaps you could try to reframe how you’re thinking about him. Focusing on your frustration will make your conversations about his schoolwork and music more adversarial than they need to be, and the end result probably won’t be a boost to his motivation or self-esteem.

Some kids really need some challenge in order to feel motivated, so you might see if there are ways your son could be more challenged at school or in his music lessons. As he gets older, the work should get harder, which will naturally require more effort on his part. Friends can be a positive influence, depending on what they’re like—if he sees his peers working hard to improve or succeed at something, he may want to experience that too. I think the most important thing is just to encourage him in all his interests, presenting him with opportunities to learn more about things he enjoys or finds fascinating. Most of us tend to put more effort into things we really love.

This might sound silly to you, but I also think it’s worth praising whatever effort or improvement you see, whenever you can. While most tweens and teens won’t admit to wanting that positive recognition, many do appreciate and need it. Any time we can build our children up instead of tearing them down, it’s worth it. It can be fine to have high standards for our kids, but we also need to pay attention to the things they’re doing right.

—Nicole

More Advice From Slate

My daughter has been married for ten years and everything seemed to be going well until she found out last summer she was pregnant with her second child. Both had decided not to have more than one since two would cause a heavy financial burden. Her husband had even planned a vasectomy but canceled. My daughter had a lot of side effects with birth control so they wound up using condoms. As soon as she found out she was pregnant, her husband pushed for an abortion. He became insistent and at first she almost went to do it. 

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