‘My Friends With Kids Don’t Respect My Dog’

Illustration: Emma Erickson

Dear Emily,

I rescued a dog during the pandemic. He helped lift me out of some of the darkest times of my life. Because of him and his goofy personality and, of course, his incredible good looks and charm, I met so many new people, including my now-partner. Focusing on giving my dog-son love, attention, and a fulfilling life has really changed my perspective for the better.

I am 35, and many of my best friends have recently gotten married and had children. I’ve traveled to see them and meet their gorgeous babies. I have changed diapers, helped with bath time, cooked and bought meals, sanitized bottles, and read bedtime stories. I have planned baby showers and much more. I’ve tried to help my friends feel as normal as possible during a period of enormous change in their lives, and I am genuinely happy to do this for them.

But there are some friends who, when I asked if I could bring my dog — who is extremely well behaved, adores children, has never had an accident or destroyed anything — have just immediately said “no.” When I ask why, they have various excuses, like they don’t want him on the couch or in their house. One friend forgot my dog’s name. I’ve tried to explain that it’s often difficult to find someone I trust to babysit him and that I don’t want to have to board him, but it feels like they shrug this off. Once, I had to miss a weekend with these friends because I couldn’t find care for my dog and they all expressed frustration with me. Maybe I am making this up, but it feels like they’re thinking, He’s just a dog, and this is my actual human child we are talking about here.

I’m trying to find a way to explain to them how important my dog is to me. He is the only “child” I have, at least until I hopefully someday have my own human one. It seems our society is so divided between pet people who instantly understand this and non-pet people who think I am being ridiculous. Plus — not to be petty, but I will for a moment — I have spent a lot of money and time on my friends and their children and their life milestones, and they have never once given my dog so much as a treat. I’m feeling frustrated and would love some advice on how to better communicate where I’m coming from.

— Crazy Dog Lady

Dear Crazy Dog Lady,

I asked my co-worker D., who has a dog, for help answering your question. Cards on the table: I have kids and am not personally obsessed with dogs, though I do enjoy their company, especially when they’re smart, beautiful, and not trying to hump my leg.

D. sympathized with you to some extent, but even she, who describes herself as “obsessed” with her dog, wanted me to set you straight on a couple of things. “Dog-son”? “The only ‘child’ I have”? Let’s not get it twisted. The relationship between a dog and a person can be profound and life altering, in part because it is eternally mutual and reciprocal. The human-canine bond will never be tainted by challenges like verbal communication, adolescence, or college tuition. The relationship between a kid and a parent, which begins as mutual adoration, goes on to evolve into a more complex bond. You say you feel your friends are thinking, He’s just a dog, and this is my actual human child here. That’s because they are thinking that. And that’s okay!

Especially when their babies are really little, your friends are going to be in protective overdrive. While it’s hurtful and inconvenient, I understand why they wouldn’t necessarily want to play host to your dog. (Though if they’re worried about your dog messing up their couch, ha ha, just wait until they see how badly kids mess up a couch.) I completely understand that your dog is well trained and beautifully behaved and loves kids and wouldn’t hurt a fly. But the thing is, your friends with newborns are not in their right minds right now. When my firstborn was an infant, I had a daylong hissy fit about how my dad and my husband planned to install shelves above the changing table, a very practical location for shelves. But what if the shelves fell and hit the baby? Were they absolutely certain the shelves were secure? See if you can take a leap of empathy and get into that mind-set. Your friends will get more relaxed as time passes and their babies prove themselves resilient. When their kids are a bit older, I bet they’ll enjoy giving them the opportunity to learn how to play safely with a well-trained, trustworthy dog.

You didn’t spend time and money on your friends’ new babies with the expectation of immediate reciprocity, or at least I hope you didn’t (ew). They forget your dog’s name and don’t offer treats because their brains are fried by three-hour shifts of sleep, and they don’t have dog treats to offer because their pockets are full of overpriced organic rice puffs at the moment. You don’t need to communicate with these friends about their disrespect for your dog right now; you just need to give them and yourself some time and space to metabolize the shift in your relationship. Don’t worry about seeming cold. You were there when it counted, and your friends will remember that. Your friendships will bounce back when their kids are a little older and the dust has settled a bit.

Meanwhile, it’s time to make new friends — at the dog run. D. herself has loved cultivating friendships with her fellow dog owners. “Go to the park and get a little dog social group,” she recommends. “All my kooky dog friends give my dog treats.”

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