Long ago, in a Park City far, far away, this issue of the paper would be the April Fool’s issue. It would be full of the regular news, which was often so shockingly similar to current news that I think we could probably pass off a paper from 1990 as breaking news, and many of you might not notice the difference: “Planners discuss future of Bonanza Park District.”
Staff members would save up ideas all year long, and no idea was too absurd to make a good April Fool’s story because even the outer reaches of imagination were little match for what was actually happening around town. It was a favorite of staff and readers alike. It wasn’t such a favorite among the publishers.
Through the years, and different ownership, our world changed. Park City was discovered, and an article that was silly and obviously parody would somehow get picked up by national press that didn’t understand it. The Securities and Exchange Commission became interested in piece I did reporting that United Park City Mines was resuming active mining activity, and that people in Deer Valley should get used to the china rattling in the cupboards when they were blasting.
By the time The Park Record was owned by the owners of Backyard Poultry magazine, that fine old tradition had come to an end. In the internet age, where stories are around the world before the coffee is warm, it just doesn’t work.
But I still keep a clipping file for that kind of story. Things that could never happen in a million years, like:
New cities incorporating despite the fact that almost no one lives there. They are popping up like dog turds in the melting snow — West Hills above Kamas; a plan to despoil the North Fields in Wasatch County as River View on the theory that no riparian habitat is too important to be left unsubdivided; and of course, Dakota-Pacific’s proposed town at Kimball Junction.
It doesn’t matter under state law that there are few, if any, people living there. A new incorporation gets to write its own zoning laws, put together by the developer, and then turn the bulldozers loose.
The state has decided to build another liquor store in the Park City area because traffic is so heavy in the existing stores. Finding an affordable location for a liquor store is as tough as finding an affordable location for housing. So they cut a deal with UDOT, and will be building Utah’s first liquor store on a freeway ramp.
It will be a full-service location with easy freeway access. Roadie cups and ice will be available at the new Maverik across the street, with guns and ammo just down the block at the gun club. All with quick freeway access. It’s really a complete package. You don’t need to drive to Evanston any more.
And it’s not just here. All over Utah now, you can order groceries for pickup, and the store can deliver them to your car, including orders that contain beer. It’s not clear if you can send your teenager to pick up the groceries or not. You’d hope somebody thought of that.
Another great story would be a completely imaginary scenario in which the Pentagon had decided to blow the Houthi rebels in Yemen to smithereens once and for all. Enough with the selective pinprick strikes, let’s go big. And they decided to do the planning for the attack in a group text using a somewhat secure commercial service called Signal.
So we have the secretary of state, the defense secretary, national security advisor, head of the CIA, White House staffers and the vice president all on this group text.
And nobody thinks to ask who the new guy is, or whether this is the right platform. Instead, they just kept sending texts to each other’s personal cell phones, wherever they are.
So people are planning this top secret bombing attack at their kid’s soccer games, on the golf course, and then just for comedic effect, they include a randomly selected reporter. It’s not clear why the vice president was on the call, because technically, when you look at the proper chain of command, his position is “not in it, anywhere.”
The reporter, Jeff Goldberg, watched the text chain for several days, including the blow-by-blow account of the bombing while he was grocery shopping. They announced the success of the mission with emojis. Hilarious stuff.
Burning a Tesla is now terrorism rather than just stupid, garden-variety arson. The full anti-terrorism unit of what’s left of the FBI is on the case, tracking down the Tesla torcher conspiracy. This is coming from the same people who said that the Jan. 6 assault on the Capitol was “an ordinary tourist visit.”
Attempts to dismiss the stupid criminality of the Tesla burners as an “ordinary showroom visit” have fallen on deaf ears. Burning an F-150, however, isn’t terrorism. Burning a cybertruck is a gray area, and most likely is insurance fraud prompted by buyer’s remorse.
Of course, you can make stuff like that up and have a good laugh, until you wake up and realize that all of those things are in the real news, not April Fool’s stories. We are so screwed.
Tom Clyde practiced law in Park City for many years. He lives on a working ranch in Woodland and has been writing this column since 1986.
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