Q. This probably sounds really morbid and out there, but I’m at a point where I don’t know if I can ever change my answer to the “burning house” question; not in terms of what I would take from the house, but who I would save from it if I had to choose between A and B. It’s unpleasant but I feel like it really gets to the point of what I think my issues with relationships are.
I’ve been with my husband for 10 years. We just had our legal separation finalized. We plan on divorcing within the next few years, it’s just a matter of waiting until interest rates (hopefully) improve and my husband finding affordable health insurance (he’s on my benefits). We still live together and he has moved on emotionally and has a girlfriend. She’s very nice and I’m truly happy for him. We married more out of necessity than love. There was never a fire between us and we both knew that our marriage was not forever. It was always a struggle to be intimate, and I stopped trying altogether eventually. I still hold a lot of guilt for that. We are still friends and are very compatible as roommates, just not as partners. There’s no jealousy or betrayal here.
Now to the point and back to the burning house question: When he asked me if I was interested in dating again, I honestly didn’t know what to say. I think the idea is slightly intriguing but I really don’t know if I could ever truly love someone the way that a relationship requires to be successful. The relationships that matter most to me are that of my sister and my dogs. I’m very close to my sister and we are both very committed to our dogs and the sports/activities that we do with them. My dogs are the reason why I wake up in the morning, why I’m physically active, why I challenge myself, and what I schedule my life around. Yes, most would think this is sad. But my involvement in the dog sports community has led to great friends and the bulk of my social life (OK this also probably sounds sad). If you were to ask me, if the house were on fire, and you only had time to save your husband or your dogs, who would you save? I’m ashamed to say it, but it would be the dogs. The only human being who would trump the dogs would be my sister.
The thought of having any other human being trump the dogs sounds impossible. Sure, I wonder why I’m like this. I see a therapist every now and then. I read a book on relationships and listen to podcasts. Still meet up with my old co-worker to exchange thoughts (she’s divorced). I’ve reflected on my childhood and have seemed to follow my parents’ footsteps (they are legally separated too, but don’t have any intention of divorcing). But I still can’t see myself truly reciprocating anything emotionally in a relationship.
I probably sound rather coldhearted, but words of affirmation and affection/physical touch are not part of my love language. When I took that test, it was acts of service that was highest for me. I will continue to work on improving myself and getting myself out of my comfort zone, but do you have any tips on how to change my mind-set from such certainty?
Thank you for reading and for your letters, I really enjoy reading them each week.
COLDHEARTED
A. Listen, if a house were on fire, I think you’d scream to the humans, “Let’s all grab a dog and get out of here together!”
It seems like you’d help a person in trouble.
You’ve proven you can love a human, and it’s OK if it’s your sister! You’ve also made great friends who share your interests. You’re doing a kind thing by making sure your ex has health coverage. That sounds pretty empathetic to me.
Romantic love gets a lot of attention — in books, shows, movies, and our private conversations. I spent the weekend reading social media reviews of a movie (“Twisters”), and realized people were upset they didn’t get the kissing they wanted. These audiences were given wild tornadoes and they still wanted more kissing!
In real life, romance and spousal love aren’t always so important. Dogs can be the thing. Siblings can be the best partners of all.
Sometimes the tornado is enough.
As long as you have empathy for other humans, you’re OK. I mean, go ahead and work on yourself. Ask a professional for guidance. But don’t beat yourself up for knowing what you love.
You’re living the life you want and it sounds great.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
There’s no requirement that you have to be in a romantic relationship. If you have family you love, good friends, and a social life, some people are content with that. You don’t have to force yourself to do something because “society” thinks it’s normal. You could also not have much of a sex drive, which makes a romantic relationship more difficult.
LEGALLYLIZ2017
The burning house question feels like a complete waste of time to think about. Both because it’s hypothetical and also I don’t think it’s necessary or valuable to force rank relationships. Most people love multiple family members, friends, significant others, and/or pets at the same time without stressing about who’s No. 1. You don’t have to love your dogs less in order to also love a partner. Probably the right match for you will be someone who loves dogs, too.
DDL314
You don’t sound coldhearted at all. You have loving relationships with creatures and people. Maybe something in your upbringing caused you to tamp down the physical side of life, or maybe you’re just built that way, with a low libido, or perhaps you haven’t met the right person. You seem to be living productively and constructively. One suggestion might be for your husband to move out. Hanging around with him may underscore what you are not, rather than celebrating all the good things you are.
BLUEAWNING
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com or fill out this form. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.
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