Help! The Neighbor’s Dog Was a Menace. But My Husband’s “Solution” Was Chilling.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Delia Cai is filling in as Prudie for Jenée Desmond-Harris while she’s on parental leave. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

My husband “Josh” and I had an ongoing problem with our neighbors. They would let their dog out their front door multiple times every day to relieve itself, and each time the dog always ended up using our front lawn or even the area around our porch as a toilet. We tried speaking with our neighbors about the issue on multiple occasions, but they continued to allow their dog out to go the bathroom on our property. Complaints to the city were useless, even with footage from our porch cam showing the dog eliminating; the neighbors received several warnings and a few negligible fines, and the peeing and crapping at our place continued.

Then an entire day passed without the dog showing up. After I hadn’t seen the dog for several days, I saw a neighbor who knows the couple while I was getting the mail and joked that hell must have frozen over because “the Smiths” seemed to have finally decided to stop their dog from going at our place. The neighbor informed me that the Smiths’ dog had died less than a week ago. When I got back I told Josh, who replied that he had “solved the problem.”

When I asked him what he meant, he admitted to scattering chocolate chips, raisins, and pieces of cookies with macadamia nuts in them in areas of our property where the neighbor’s dog frequented.

Part of me is horrified that he poisoned the dog and is questioning who this man that I married really is. But another part of me is secretly glad we’ll never have to pick up dog shit or hose down urine from our front porch ever again. Is this something that should have me questioning my marriage, or should I just take the win and never bring it up again?

—Canine Conundrum

Dear Conundrum,

I would be concerned. It sounds like your husband has quite a capacity for vengefulness, if not an outright cruel streak. Poisoning someone’s dog—even if it was the most annoying, diarrheic dog in the world—is simply not how a well-adjusted adult handles conflict. Your husband escalated conflict in a shockingly extreme way, and you absolutely should feel disturbed by this.

Plus, it’s not out of the realm of possibility that your neighbors find out what your husband did, and if that comes to pass, you may find yourself in a worse situation. Has your husband considered this? I assume no. If your neighbors were that inconsiderate to you before, I shudder to imagine how they would behave once they possess actual ill will against your household—and how your husband would react to that.

Dear Prudence,

I have a compound problem. My flatmate has a new girlfriend. I am happy for him, he had been trying the dating apps for a while and he’s a really nice guy. But I am battling jealous, annoyed feelings; I am in a situationship with someone who is grieving a complicated loss, and I am overall unhappy with my romantic situation but don’t want to rock the boat—I want to be supportive. Brooding about my lack of a love life/sex life feels selfish. I can usually handle all this fine, but when my flatmate has his girlfriend over—I’m in a completely other room watching TV with the door shut—the giggling and kissing sounds fill me with white-hot annoyance, almost like misophonia. I sleep with earplugs in so I don’t have to hear them have sex. What can I do to make these bad feelings go away and just be genuinely happy for him?

—How to Un-jeally-fy?

Dear Un-jeally-fy,

I feel for you. During my last year of college, I was living with a beloved friend while also dealing with a particular bout of heartbreak. When my friend started dating someone, I was happy for her—that is, until one night, when I figured out in the worst way possible that there was an air duct connecting our bedrooms, transmitting all the … sounds. I almost packed my bags right there and then. In the morning, I had to awkwardly tell her about the nature of the vent, which was embarrassing for both of us. But she took great pains for the rest of the semester to keep it down, and I invested heavily in earplugs.

So, the bad news is that there’s no magical way to resolve that mix of envy/disgust/annoyance you’re feeling. This is a tough situation for sure, but it will be temporary. In the meantime, have a conversation with your flatmate. Tell him that you’re happy for him, but be honest about how awkward and uncomfortable you feel sharing the flat with a happy couple. See if you can negotiate some kind of agreement where you each can trade off a night or some weekend time so that everyone can have the flat to themselves. Your flatmate will likely jump at the chance to get some perfect privacy, and you could use the peace, too.

Dear Prudence,

I need help with a script for my mom. Everything with her is transactional and run through a hefty amount of guilt. I have a job that, while rewarding, is emotionally exhausting at times. I have also had some health issues that have landed me in the ER or getting sedated tests and procedures done. Some of this ended with a likely diagnosis of chronic fatigue. Due to the fact that I’m single, my mom has been the one to either keep me company or drive me there and back.

I picked up an extra shift at work, with her knowledge. The night before, she texted me asking if the day after the shift, I could take her to an outpatient test that would be four hours. I told her I could, but then I’d need to leave and would be back to pick her up. She had a fit, told me how my dad isn’t in any condition to do it, and talks about how she came with me and sat for hours in the ER and for the tests. I apologized again, pointing out that it’s my only real day off this week, and I had a lot of work to get done to prep for the week ahead for both myself and my teen. If I sit with her I won’t be able to get those things done. If I’m not working, I usually only have a few hours that I’m able to be functional and do things. If I am working, I spend most of the next day sleeping.

How do I address this with her? I don’t mind taking her, but I can’t stay there for four hours!

—Limited energy

Dear Limited,

Stick to your guns. Reiterate your offer to drive her to and from the appointment, and communicate your needs in a way that links your well-being with hers:

I know it’s unfair that I can’t keep you company during this appointment, Mom. You have been there for me when I needed you, and I appreciate it. But I still need some time to get my health and my schedule to a more stable place before I can be someone you can fully rely on. I would hate to be so sick or exhausted that I couldn’t drive you at all, or that I would have to leave you hanging when you need me in the future.

Are there friends that you could call upon for either of you? It sounds like you and your mother need strong support groups of your own. You both have a lot going on, and it’s not in either of your best interest to lean too hard on each other at the moment. If there are friends—even if they’re the more casual type—now is a good time to start asking for a little help with basic errands or meal prep, especially given your chronic fatigue. The more you’re able to ease your own burden, the better able you will be to help take care of your mother and everyone else around you, in turn.

—Delia

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