Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Delia Cai is filling in as Prudie for Jenée Desmond-Harris while she’s on parental leave. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
I live next door to a couple, “Mina” and “Bill,” both of who have been at odds with one another over Mina’s Pomeranian, “Sparky.” Mina received Sparky as a gift from her mother three years ago and absolutely adores her. To say that Bob is not a dog person is putting it mildly. In the time since Sparky joined their household, I have heard him frequently curse the dog out when she barks (which is no more than the other dogs in the vicinity and not at length). If Mina is around to hear it, this results in a lengthy shouting match, that they then take back inside their house. Bob will also complain to anyone who will listen about how irritating Sparky is and half-jokingly will say his wife is more devoted to the dog than she is to him.
Within the last year, there were also more than a dozen instances when I would be driving to or from work or returning from an errand and come across Sparky wandering in the neighborhood. Each time, I picked up the dog and brought her home. Other neighbors have also found her loose and returned her as well.
Last week, I was getting the mail when Bob came over to put up a “lost dog” flyer on the mailbox with Sparky’s picture on it. I asked how long she had been gone and he told me she had been missing for three days. Then the amount of the reward for her safe return caught my attention: $10,000. I remarked to Bob that was an incredibly kind thing to do for Mina to try and get Sparky back. Bob smirked and said he didn’t expect to have to pay it out and left. Bob’s comment left me deeply troubled.
As soon as I got home, I called all of the local animal shelters in my surrounding area. The staff at each of them said no one had brought in a Pomeranian matching Sparky’s description within the last three days. I checked local websites for lost and found animals and also came up with nothing other than a “lost” post for Sparky put up by my neighbors. I always suspected Bob of playing a role in Sparky’s “escapes” from my neighbor’s yard. The trouble is I have nothing to go on other than his comment. Should I speak to Mina about what he said, or is this something that isn’t my place to become involved in?
—Dogged by Suspicion
Dear Dogged,
I think you should at least check on Mina and see how she’s doing. That’s a very normal thing to do as a neighbor, and I’m sure she is pretty upset about her dog. Try to find an excuse to visit with her one-on-one, without Bob present. While you’re chatting with her, you can use that time to get a sense for whether Mina seems to feel some type of way at all about how Bob is behaving toward her; you might even innocently prod, “How’s Bob handling all of this?”
But you shouldn’t mention Bob’s comment to her unless you feel like there’s a high degree of trust between you and Mina (because you wouldn’t want her to tell him what you said). This kind of thing may be hard to suss out in one conversation. In general, it’s a better use of your time to be supportive of Mina and to keep an eye on her as she mourns her lost dog. If she seems outright suspicious of Bob and tells you so, then you can maybe say, “I don’t know if I heard correctly, but he did say this to me the other day.” Otherwise, I don’t think it’s a good idea to stir up drama in anyone’s relationship unless you have pretty solid evidence—because if you don’t, you will quickly make yourself the villain of the story.
—Delia
Classic Prudie
I am a doctor and my fiancé is finishing his first year of residency. He worked for several years before going to medical school, saved up some money to live off of, and bought a house. He also got enough scholarship money to pay for most of college and medical school, so he has no student loans. Neither do I. He had chosen a specialty that pays well (better than mine) and which has a relatively short residency program for how much he will be paid for when he is done. I was fine with this. Then, last week, he told me that he had been trying to transfer to a different specialty with a longer, grueling residency and a specialty that will ultimately be substantially more lucrative…
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