Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Delia Cai is filling in as Prudie for Jenée Desmond-Harris while she’s on parental leave. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

I HATE my husband’s dog. I know how that sounds, so hear me out… I am a dog person! I’ve had dogs my whole life. I have tattoos of my dogs. But this dog is driving me to the looney bin. It’s old. It’s senile. It only cares about food. Not its dog food oh no, that is available 24/7. It’s our food that it cares about. It doesn’t want to be walked, petted, or snuggled. It wants human food. For context, we have two toddlers, work full-time, and have almost zero support. Date nights almost never happen. So to say we are spread thin is an understatement. Enter the dog. It cries and barks at dinner, the kids’ bedtime, and the hour of quiet time we get each night. It’s enough to make anyone lose it.

Now, this is my husband’s dog and he loves it dearly. While he knows there are issues, he adores the dog, so I suffer. I would never suggest anything to hurt my husband or the dog. We have tried every treat, distraction, and toy known to man, to no avail. Here’s my issue: This dog will likely die in the next year or two, based on its advanced age. And I legit don’t know if I can’t muster the appropriate reaction. When my last dog died, I was a mess, sobbing for days. When this dog passes, I’d like to think I’d mourn but I may throw a party! Like I legitimately think I will feel relief, which is terrible. How do I muster the right emotions at that time? Am I terrible if I fake sadness?

—Worst Dog Owner Ever

Dear Worst Dog Owner,

Well, you don’t have to fake sadness, but I mean, don’t literally throw a party. Pick a trusted friend you can confide in about all of your feelings regarding this dog and its eventual passing, but resist the urge to express your glee to your husband (or the children) when the time comes. Unless your acting chops are of Oscar-winning caliber, I doubt that your husband is oblivious to your feelings—and he probably wouldn’t buy it anyway if you overdid it on the fake crying. Your duty is not to muster up the “right emotions,” but to simply be kind and sympathetic to his grief when that day comes.

Dear Prudence, 

My brother just moved back home with his girlfriend, “Stella.” I can’t stand Stella. I have never met an adult who will dig a hole, climb in, and cry about how she can’t get out as much as her. She can’t “find a job” because she keeps quitting the ones that hire her. It involves too much time on her feet, she doesn’t like the hours or odd shifts, and her bosses never listen to her. She got hired on as retail and isn’t disabled. She has made zero friends here so my brother keeps trying to graft her into my social circle. Going hiking? Stella shows up in heels with no water. Going to a music festival while it is cold and windy? Stella arrives in a sleeveless top and no jacket. Going to a fancy pop-up restaurant with a dress code? Stella shows up in club wear. Every time I get pulled away to baby Stella while she is whining and crying about how she can’t believe what is happening. It isn’t like I haven’t sent her multiple reminder texts.

My brother blames it on Stella having ADHD. I told him there was medication for that and I wasn’t a babysitter. I have made my social media private but we have enough people in common where my brother and Stella can see everything I am doing (and not including Stella). This has been a reoccurring problem since this summer. I am the only family member close by and my brother socializes through work. I am tired of this and I don’t want to deal with Stella anymore. I have repeatedly and repeatedly tried to befriend her and include her and it just blows up in my face. Help!

—Bah Humbug

Dear Humbug, 

It’s time to tap out of babysitting duty here. Take your brother aside and tell him that, despite your best efforts, you and Stella are simply not on the same wavelength to be compatible friends. The pressure to include Stella in your friend circle is not fair to either of you, honestly, because it sounds like the two of you just do not get along. You also don’t seem to have much in common! Those are both perfectly good reasons to not befriend someone.

You don’t have to tell your brother that you don’t like Stella or complain about her flaws; just explain that you support his relationship and that you hope Stella will find friends who are more her speed. There’s no reason you can’t be cordial to her at family events or during the occasional dinners with your brother, but there’s absolutely no law that says Thou Shalt Be BFFs With Your Brother’s Girlfriend.

Want Advice on Parenting, Kids, or Family Life?

Submit your questions to Care and Feeding here. It’s anonymous! (Questions may be edited for publication.)

Dear Prudence, 

I am fortunate to have met two wonderful men. One began as more of a friend with benefits, but his feelings changed and we’re moving toward something more. The other has been relationship-centered from the start. I’m wildly attracted to both; they’re kind, humorous, intelligent, and great dads, which is important to me as a mom. I’m not into polyamory, and I highly doubt either of these men would want to share me. How do I choose? I really don’t want to hurt anyone, but I feel like it’s inevitable. It’s eating away at me. Help!

—I Want Them Both

Dear I Want Them Both,

When a romantic choice feels impossible, it’s often because you’re not entirely sure of your priorities. I would take some time to take personal stock of how you are feeling about your life overall—not just in the romantic department. Is it possible that you’d rather not commit to anything (including a partner) right now? Is it possible that it’s easier to spend energy mulling over a decision between two men than it is to tend to personal or professional goals that need attention? These men sound superficially similar, but there are surely major points of difference in their values, personalities, lifestyles, and ambitions for the future. You need to get clear on your own, and then you need to decide not only who seems like the best fit, but also whether you want to actually pursue something serious with either man—or if simply the idea of having two options on hand is more alluring than the reality of commitment.

Dear Prudence, 

My girlfriend, “Clara,” sews as a hobby. As our relationship and her skills have progressed, she’s started making me matching ties whenever she makes herself a dress. Last weekend, we attended a holiday party that a lot of mutual friends attended, and Clara and I were matching. One of our mutual friends, “Lacey,” was discussing Clara’s dress with her since she knew it was handmade. Lacey asked how she found the perfectly matching thread, and Clara’s answer was something along the lines of, “I had to hike the Appalachians to find a specific berry that only grows at a certain altitude, mash it up, boil it, dye the thread, and then re-dye it a few times, and then voila!” There was much ooh-ing and ahh-ing from the group they were in, and Lacey said that it was really impressive. That’s when Clara snorted and went, “Nah, I’m just messing with you. Turns out that a thread company made a perfect match.”

There was a bit of laughter, but Lacey asked me to talk to Clara since she felt Clara made a fool of her. Clara is generally more cosmopolitan and less gullible than Lacey, and I think she could stand to be kinder to Lacey (this isn’t the first time something like this has happened). Then again, I think Lacey probably should have known Clara’s answer was a joke. Is there a middle ground here? Or should I try to stay out of it?

—In Stitches

Dear Stitches,

I mean, look, I consider myself fairly cosmopolitan (hah), but I don’t really think Clara’s joke is funny either. Perhaps Lacey and I are too pure of heart for expecting earnestness to be met with earnestness!

If Lacey is, as you say, a mutual friend of both yours and Clara’s, I would stay out of it. You might gently encourage Lacey to talk to Clara directly about her hurt feelings, but I would not anoint yourself as the go-between for the two of them.

But if Lacey is technically “your” friend, who doesn’t have a relationship with Clara of her own, then I do recommend having a chat with Clara, especially since you say this isn’t the first time that this has happened. Is Clara this sarcastic with everyone, or does she seem to pick on Lacey in particular? If it’s the former, I would make a neutral observation to her, i.e., “I don’t think Lacey gets your jokes. Can you do me a favor and go easy on her?” But if it’s the latter, you may have to do a little digging to figure out why Clara keeps singling Lacey out and being rather unkind.

—Delia

Classic Prudie

Me and my younger sister, Lauren, have been close our whole lives (me F31, her F28). She met her husband, Brian, her freshman year of college, and they got married seven years later. Given how close we are, I also spent a lot of time with Brian, and the three of us became a bit of a trio. We would travel together, go to events together, have game nights and dinners, etc. Brian was family to me for a decade. Earlier this year, Lauren very suddenly moved out of their home and asked for a divorce. It shocked my whole family.

Don’t miss what’s new from Prudie

Get advice on manners and morals in your inbox three times a week.

at any time.

Please enable javascript to sign up for newsletters.

Email address:

Send me updates about Slate special offers.


By signing up, you agree to our
Privacy
Policy

and
Terms.

Sign Up

This post was originally published on this site be sure to check out more of their content.