Every week, Dear Prudence answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members. For this edition, Shannon Palus, a Slate Features Editor, will be filling in as Prudie. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
My entire life, I’ve never liked dogs. I grew up in a family that always had at least one and my family shamed me for not becoming attached. I’ve been told by many people that something is wrong with me, I’m a terrible person, unfeeling, selfish, etc for feeling this way.
Now, at 41, I have been diagnosed with autism and have realized my aversion to dogs is because of sensory issues. This new understanding has been incredibly validating for me but I’m unsure of how to explain it to people without disclosing my diagnosis. I am single and trying to find someone to date who doesn’t have or want a dog feels nearly impossible. Would I be wrong to initially tell people I am allergic to dogs and then share the details when I am ready to discuss my autism? I don’t feel comfortable lying but I am also uncomfortable with sharing my diagnosis right away. And just saying I don’t like dogs always seems to invoke questions and/or judgment.
—Dogless and Dating
Dear Dogless and Dating,
You’re right that fudging the truth isn’t the way to go here, in part because it could lead you to spin a convoluted web of lies—what if someone wants to bond over the merits of hypoallergenic poodles!—or come clean before you’re ready to explain things. I would indicate in your online dating profiles or on an early date that you are not open to being around dogs. Something simple and firm like: “I am not a dog person, and I’m looking to date someone without a dog. Just wanted to get that deal breaker out of the way early.” Or: “I have a dog phobia that goes back to childhood. All the pets that I can see myself getting along with have scales!” If someone asks for more details before you’re ready to explain, just say, “That’s a story for a later date” and change the subject.
I’ve been on the other side of this problem. Several years ago, I was single and very worried about how my needy chihuahua-beagle mix might affect the possibility of finding a long-term relationship. She is the kind of dog who will sit on your lap and stick her face in your face, and also she both howls and yaps—I love her more than anything, but it can be a lot. When people indicated that they weren’t comfortable with dogs, it made things easier, because I knew we wouldn’t be a fit in the long run. The people I really got along with were those who were actively excited to have a dog around and all that that entails. I think your prospective dates will appreciate your sense of clarity (and anyone who responds to a firm boundary with needling or shaming is…kind of an asshole and not someone you’d want to be with anyway).
There is nothing wrong with you. The pro-dog contingent of the world can be loud—dogs are photogenic, so we have a lot of PR materials at our disposal—but you are not alone. There are many people out there who would be perfectly happy, and even thrilled, to have a partner who is Fido-averse.
—Shannon
Classic Prudie
I found out recently that my ex-fiancé wrote an autobiography—well, it’s really a collection of stories, poems, and random thoughts. It’s self-published and sold on Amazon. In one of his stories, he states his previous relationship before he met his wife was toxic and this girl (me) disliked everything that made him, him—specifically video gaming.
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