Every week, Dear Prudence answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members. Ashley C. Ford is filling in as Prudie for Jenée Desmond-Harris while she’s on parental leave. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
About six months ago, I moved in with my boyfriend. It’s been absolutely wonderful, and our relationship has never been stronger. My boyfriend has a dog (Rudy), who he loves very much, and I knew when we got together that the dog was a non-negotiable, which I was fully on board with.
I love dogs generally and Rudy specifically—more than I thought I would ever love a pet, to be honest. However, the transition to living with a dog full-time has been more difficult than I expected. I’ve never had a dog before, and the reality of adapting to life with Rudy hasn’t been as easy as I had hoped it would be. He’s a pretty well-behaved dog, and I genuinely love him, but I sometimes find myself frustrated by constantly needing to interrupt my work or house chores or just relaxation time to take Rudy out and go on walks and so on. My patience sometimes wears thin when he wants a lot of attention or starts barking for no reason, and I feel bad for being frustrated with him for just living his life.
My boyfriend travels a lot for work, so it’s often me at home alone with Rudy, and I’m afraid I might start resenting the poor animal for… existing. We take advantage of dog walkers and pet sitters when possible to give me a break, but due to availability (we live in a rural area that’s pretty remote from a lot of other people/services) and finances, it’s not a solution we can use often. I’ve talked to my boyfriend about my fear of resenting Rudy, and he understands that the transition has been trickier than expected and that living with a dog can be overstimulating sometimes. We’ve had productive conversations about it, so it’s not like I’m harboring this secret from him. At the end of the day, I love my boyfriend and I love Rudy and don’t want to feel resentment toward Rudy or be frustrated with his existence. I’d love advice on how to increase my patience with the pup and not view him as an interruption or inconvenience.
—Dog Days
Dear Dog Days,
Because you’re within the six-month window, I wonder if it’s not just the dog weighing on you. Moving, no matter how happy the reason for doing so, is tough on the psyche. Packing, unpacking, buying, arranging, cleaning, and everything else that goes into moving living spaces will get on top of you! Not to mention moving in with a significant other for the first time, having to alter your routines, AND mostly self-manage a pet you didn’t adopt or ask for.
Of course you’re feeling resentful toward the dog, the sentient being who needs you when everything else (except maybe your boyfriend) can be silent while you take the time you need to ignore it. Maybe it’s because I’m a bona fide dog person, and am therefore biased, but I think your concerns with resenting the dog will mostly dissipate by the time the three of you have been together for a year. Give yourself time to adjust. In the meantime, is it possible for you and your partner to work out a better routine for caring for the dog that takes more of your needs, especially the need for more uninterrupted time, into consideration? If you haven’t already, start that conversation.
Classic Prudie
My late uncle tried to make a go of keeping our family farm up and running, but he barely ended up breaking even. Most of his income came from mineral rights and renting out the land to a RV park. I had a fast-paced career that paid well but was burning me up, so when he died, I offered to buy his wife and daughters out of the property. They agreed. I sold most of the acreage to developers but kept the main farm and barn, which I turned into an event center.
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