Dogs are better than men

Most of my conversations today are with dogs. I like it better than talking with most men.

I like dogs, first of all, because they are nicer and more dependable than men. Handsomer too, as a rule.

Try this experiment: Call up on the internet 100 photos of faces of dogs and men, and tote up how many of them you’d call handsome. My estimate: Dogs, 96+; men, maybe 5.

Reason 2: Dogs don’t pretend to be someone they ain’t. Men do.

Reason 3: Dogs are faithful, and it shows in their eyes. Men fake it till she finds out, from his lying eyes.

Reason 4: Dogs are naturally happy, so long as they are fed and warm. Men will always find ways to be unhappy — and ways to blame it on someone else.

Reason 5: Dogs can’t read and are unburdened by lessons of history. Some men can read, but most don’t and prefer ignorance.

Reason 6: Your average dog, on meeting a new human, expects to meet a friend. Men today, in our paranoid nation, view everyone as a potential enemy.

Reason 7: Dogs play by chasing each other around, or playing tug o’ war with a toy. Men play the stock market.

Reason 8: Dogs don’t know how to fake it. Men hire media consultants.

Reason 9: My dogs sleep with me, and we like it. I wouldn’t let a media consultant do that. And I wonder, if I needed media consultants, would they like it? Or would it be beside the point.

Reason 10: Media consultants will sleep with anyone.But not with good dogs. Because a good dog will bite a media consultant.

Reason 11: Every dog is a good dog until a human fucks him up.

Reason 12: A dog will never inflict needless suffering upon another animal. He’ll grab it by the neck and shake it, and the prey will be dead before it knows what happened — unlike cats, and politicians, and men, and media consultants, who torture their prey.

Reason 13: Men do the same thing as cats, shamelessly, in a clumsier way — uglier too, as the cats were just practicing. But men are practicing too.

Reason 14: Generally, if a dog fucks up, it’s because he didn’t know better, and is sorry after he’s been informed. And will try not do it again. Whereas men fuck up just because they can. And will keep doing it, if they think they can get away with it.

Reason 15: Dogs have no religion, far as I can tell. If a dog attacks or kills another animal, it’s because the dog thought the animal was bad, or was threatening the dog’s human animals, and needed killing, or might be tasty. But humans will kill any animal, at any time, and will kill another human just because the other human believes in some other religion. So far as I can tell, this theological terrorism is “blessed” by every major religion in the world, including Narendra Modi’s Hindu fascism, Benny Netanyahu’s Jewish fascism, Muslim fascist terrorism, and Donald Trump’s Christian fascism.

Reason 16: Dogs just want to howl at the moon. And what harm does that do? To anyone? Including the moon. Plus, dogs don’t want to force anyone else to howl at the moon. They just want to howl at the moon in peace.

Reason 17: Dogs don’t run political campaigns. This may help to explain dogs’ placid demeanor, and their reluctance to panic at the intrusion into their “homeland” by, for instance, a hungry cat or a starving mouse. Yet a dog will recognize a real threat, and fend him off.

Reason 18: Dogs remember who their friends are, even after years apart.

Reason 19: A dog will never bite an old friend.

Reason 20: Dogs know what a smell test is, and who passes it and who does not. And a dog will act accordingly.

In defense of puppies: A puppy will hump anything, at any time. A piano leg, a tree stump, a random boot, a fallen volume of the Encyclopedia Britannica ... and he won’t hold it against you when you hyste him up and tell him “No!” and send him off to find other threats against me. And I don’t hold it against him, even though that was my favorite volume, “XII – Hydrox to Jerem.”

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