Dear Eric: My sister-in-law, who I love and have known since she was a child, recently bought two small “doodle” dogs. She brought them with her for an overnight, weekend visit.
They barked at every little sound – a person coming into the room, door opening/closing. My sister-in-law’s response to her dogs was ineffective.
The weekend with her dogs made me anxious and it was difficult for me to enjoy my visitors.
It was worse for me to tolerate as I have experience both professionally (with children) and personally (with dogs) in the analysis and modification of behavior problems. It is very easy for me to see what was reinforcing the dogs’ behavior.
My dilemma is should I not allow her to bring her dogs for the next visit or make a visit that includes bringing the dogs contingent on my sister-in-law allowing me to teach her how to address the dogs’ behavior? She does not seem bothered by the relentless barking and yapping.
– Dog Tired
Dear Tired: Though your experience is with children and dogs, it seems the behavior you most want to modify is your adult sister-in-law’s. That’s going to present a problem.
It’s fine for you to tell her that the dogs made too much of a ruckus the last time and ask her to leave them behind for the next visit. This, of course, makes the visit less hospitable as she’ll need to find a suitable dog sitter. And she may opt to just stay home. If you’re OK with that possibility and won’t resent her for it, great.
It’s also fine for you to offer to teach her a better way to handle her dogs. But making it a prerequisite for spending time with you? I can’t see how that wouldn’t cause resentment.
You have a long, loving relationship. You can just tell her that the dogs grate on your nerves and you have some tips, if she’s open to them. The oodles of doodle behavior is not reason to fuel a feud. Talk to her in a nonjudgmental way. Offer assistance but accept her “no thank you” if that’s what her answer is.
Communicating clearly, without trying to control her, will make planning the next get-together easier. And it empowers her to take your feelings as well as her own into consideration.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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