Here boy! Good girl. Sit. Si-i-i-t! Right, that’s your lead on. Walkies? Who’s up for racist colonial walkies!
According to the Welsh wokerati, that joyful waggy yomp across the Brecon Beacons or Snowdonia, sorry Eryri as we must learn to call it, is an act of oppression.
Why? Nobody knows. But a report submitted to the Welsh Government to steer “anti-racist” policy has recommended the creation of dog-free zones to make the outdoors more inclusive.
And before you ask, owning a Saluki (originally bred down Mesopotamia way) or even a Basenji (Democratic Republic of the Congo) does not let you off the hook.
I’d like to say I’m joking. But that would make me part of the problem, which would be singularly unfair as I have an Irish passport and technically my forebears never colonised anywhere, although I will concede a few of us are responsible for some well-dodgy tarmacking.
But I am white. Ewww! Middle-aged. Stop! And a woman. Yuck!
And, again according to the new bonkers report by the environmental group Climate Cymru BAME, “People Like Me” are guilty. Guilty of dominating – no, not the Chagos Islands, we haven’t got the time and besides we promised to babysit the grandchildren later – the nation’s allotments, and making black, Asian and minority ethnic people feel excluded from “food growing groups”.
See the winter veg you planted in the raised beds at the back of your garden? Those aren’t just parsnips, those are ethnic exclusionary parsnips.
Swiss chard? More like a structural, experiential and cultural barrier to the outdoors preventing those from other racial or religious identities accessing the countryside.
It’s funny how nobody seems to get antsy about the white, midlife men who are waging war on one another with cataclysmic consequences, failing to address climate change and generally scrapping for wealth, power and territory at the cost of an obscene number of lives.
Much better to castigate perimenopausal women for having the temerity to cultivate raspberry canes and chat over the fence about the merits of fir apple potatoes. Easy targets.
But at least they can’t hit us where it really hurts – but oh yes they can. Right slap in the miniature schnauzer.
According to the report, all breeds, from Airedales to Yorkshire terriers should be banned from designated spaces across the countryside in order to make the outdoors more inclusive.
The recommendation is echoed by the North Wales Africa Society which is pushing for “dog-free areas”, explaining that during its focus groups “one black African female stated she feels unsafe with the presence of dogs”. Come again? At the risk of inciting the rozzers to come round my gaff and do an Allison Pearson (note to self: must update dressing gown in case police appear at the front door over claims of allegedly inciting racial hatred) I’m slackjawed with disbelief.
For a start, the phrase “black African female” has a troublingly bureaucratic-verging-on-colonial ring to it. What’s wrong with calling her a woman? And who decided she should be representative of the entire black population?
If an ethnically South Korean female (doesn’t sound much better) had said “she likes to eat dog” would that be enough to rebrand corgis as ambient snacks? And what about a Nepalese Chhetri female who might have pointed out “on Kukur Tihar we worship dogs”. Tell that to the Archbishop of Wales.
While I’m on the subject (I’m old enough to prioritise due diligence over the crackpot insistence on diversity, equality and inclusion) the continent of Africa comprises 54 countries. In Botswana, the demand for dogs is so high that householders are limited by law to just two animals. In Kenya, Business Daily recently debated whether companies should offer dog owners compassionate leave when their pet falls sick. And in Namibia, the introduction of livestock dogs is safeguarding the endangered cheetah population; big cats are warded off by noisy big dogs and are no longer shot by farmers.
That’s why I struggle to extrapolate one woman’s perception into grounds for a punitive anti-dog policy. I’m not blinkered by puppy love. I agree that dogs should be kept out of certain areas in parks and public gardens. But to somehow equate a grand day out with a pair of springer spaniels with covert racism, or even unconscious bias is (TRIGGER WARNING) stupid.
In some respects, it’s a reflection of our frankly bipolar attitude to man’s best friend who is simultaneously man’s worst enemy. A friend of mine is desperate to get a King Charles Cavalier puppy at the cost of £1,800.
I keep telling her she should adopt a pre-loved (sorry I’m not sure of the socially acceptable lingo) pet. But the heart wants what the heart wants – plus to be fair, the only dogs randomly breeding in her area seem to be Staffies and Mastiffs with heads like Grant Mitchell.
The truth is we vilify some dogs and lionise others. There are some longstanding dog owners who still (secretly) turn their noses up at lockdown cockapoos. Well not the cockapoos themselves who are very sweet, but at the newbies who bought them.
What can I say, we are a tribal bunch. But when anyone threatens to curtail liberty we stand together. There are members of my local dogwalkers’ group who seem to spend most of their working hours picking up random dog poos in the local cemetery in order to prove what a responsible lot we are and head off any threats of a ban.
Oh and if you’re not au fait with the etiquette, there is something uniquely revolting about scooping up excrement from an animal that isn’t yours. Don’t ask me why, it’s just a fact.
It’s the irresponsible owners who let the rest of us down and a nasty encounter with an out-of-control dog can be really unpleasant. The answer, I would suggest, is to reintroduce dog licences so humans can be forced to take responsibility, not ban dogs wholesale.
Otherwise I fear a war of attrition looms: I for one have no intention of ever sacrificing Walkies for Wokies.
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