THE PENTAGON — In a shocking revelation that has left troops nationwide questioning their dietary choices, the Department of Defense announced today that the meat served in military dining facilities (DFACs) for decades has been a mix of cats, dogs, and an occasional wet market bat.
Col. William Boyardee, U.S. Special Operations Command’s Snack Officer, confirmed the long-standing rumor during a press conference at the Pentagon.
“Alright, alright, you got us. It turns out that the mysterious meat served in DFACs was not the ‘Grade-H beef’ we claimed. Our culinary experts have been crafting culinary masterpieces from our furry friends,” said Boyardee while petting his visibly nervous Chihuahua.
The revelation came to light during a routine audit of supply chains, which unearthed decades-old contracts with suspiciously named suppliers such as “Paws & Claws Meats,” “Whiskers & Tails Catering Co,” and “PETA.” These companies, previously believed to be reputable vendors of traditional meat products, were fronts for a vast network of consumable pet peddlers.
“It was a well-orchestrated operation,” explained Pentagon spokesman Brig. Gen. Patrick Ryder. “These companies disguised the origins of the meat, mixing in just enough seasoning and MSG to make it indistinguishable from your standard-issue protein patty. But frankly, I have seen a Marine eat a Tide Pod. We didn’t think anyone would notice.”
Reaction among the troops has been a mix of outrage and aggressive public vomiting.
“I’ve had hair in my food for years and always assumed it was from Susan because she never wore a hair net. God. How many cats have I eaten?” asked Sgt. James Sardine. “I’ve been eating Spot for years and didn’t even know it.”
“When I was a young soldier, we had a ton of strays around, and the population slowly decreased. I had always assumed they were being adopted, but damn. I’ve been eating those stray dogs every morning for twelve years,” said Sgt. Maj. Alan Barkley, who is taking a ton of shit over his last name.
In response to the scandal, the DoD has vowed to overhaul its food procurement processes.
“We’re committed to serving our servicemembers the best,” assured Gen. Boyardee, awkwardly avoiding eye contact with the room full of military working dogs present for moral support.
As part of its efforts, the Army has vowed to discontinue its Domestic Cat and Dog MRE in the next twenty years, phasing out the pet meat by the end of the next decade.
According to officials, DFACs are now sourcing meat from more traditional suppliers, such as South Korea, ensuring that the meatloaf surprise is a species most Westerners are comfortable killing and eating.
The DFACs are rebranding to regain trust with new menus featuring clearly labeled, ethically sourced meat. Future entrees will include “Chicken (actual chicken)” and “Beef (definitely not Fido).”
Still, some soldiers at Fort Hood expressed concern over the plan. “We are already dumpster diving for food here, they take road kill off the menu and my kids are going to starve,” said Pfc. Jenny Holmes.
The Marine Corps is the only service branch opting out of the new nutrition labeling system, as the average Marine eats 3.2 pets per year even after leaving the service.
“I’ve known for years,” said Gunnery Sgt. Dan Adams. “The Purina-sponsored chow hall at Camp Lejeune was a dead giveaway. Plus, all the barking on Mess Night.”
Paul J. O’Leary and Gray Sea Liu contributed to reporting.
As For Class is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction.
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