Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I got a divorce from my husband five years ago and due to a small claims court order (that he brought on), I am forced to share custody of my BFF, a dog who is now almost 15. Since the judge ordered 50/50 custody to be exchanged locally, and the ex chose to move far away, he waived his custody unless he gave the required notice. He has been absent except for a partial week twice a year, when he comes to town. My dog has been declining in health and for the past year, I have cared for her through some challenging episodes, but she has recovered each time. Recently, she lost her appetite and has other signs she is declining quickly, and the vet and I discussed end-of-life planning and an in-home appointment so we could spend her final moments together in the garden sunshine instead of in the vet’s office after a stressful car ride.
I’m required by the court judgment for a mutual sign-off for euthanasia, but it is not defined any further. When I informed my ex what the vet and I discussed, he assumed I was inviting him to my home for her final appointment; he said it was what he signed up for when he got a dog. I moved from tearful informant to baffled disdain and shared that I couldn’t believe he expected to be there with her, as he is almost a stranger to her and will cause us both distress.
I offered him time to come say goodbye to her and he ignored the offer. He has since steamrolled me with emails, demanding to know when we set the date so he can make accommodations, asking why we can’t schedule for a weekend, and saying it is important for him to do this with both of us present. I am grieving, exhausted, and trying to spend quality time with my girl. I don’t know what to do or how to resolve this.
—Grieving Childless Dog Lady
Dear Grieving,
I am so sorry for the upcoming loss of your pet. I want to preface my reply by saying that everyone’s grief is different, and it depends on you as an individual, your relationship with the person—or pet—passing, the circumstances surrounding the death, etc. I cannot tell you the single right way to approach a death, because I don’t believe that a single right way exists. I will also preface by noting that I refer to human deaths in my response to your letter. Some readers might balk at the comparison, but to that, I say that grief is a profound human experience no matter who (or what) has died.
Prefaces now given, here are some things to consider:
I understand that your pet’s death is a very personal and impactful thing for you. It sounds like you and your dog have been a steadfast team these past five years, if not longer. I can also appreciate that, although your dog was a part of your ex’s life for a decade, she was a significant part of your new life after your marriage ended, which maybe gives you a sense of partnership and interdependence that your ex and the dog don’t share. So, I see how it might feel like an invasion to have him with you at this intimate, final moment.
But I also think that sometimes, grief is a time for grace—for making space for others, even when all you want to do is process it alone. You write that your husband is practically a stranger to your dog. Is that true? Dogs’ associative memory is rather long. And even if she is uncertain about his identity, would his presence stress her out or be, at worst, neutral? Meanwhile, your ex wants to be there. Maybe he hasn’t visited her as often as you think he should have, but if he didn’t care about the dog, I doubt he would have visited at all. How loved a person (or dog) is doesn’t necessarily correlate to how often one sees them.
I think if it were me, I would want to make space for love to show up in many varieties and forms. In my husband’s final days, part of me wanted to have him all to myself, and to be the person by his side in death as I’d been in life. But I wasn’t “the” only person who walked through his life with him, and those people deserved to love and honor him as much as I did. It was poignant to remember that I didn’t have a monopoly on grief. There are things I regret from his final days, but making space for others who needed to be there is not one of them.
If, in the end, your relationships with your dog and your ex are such that his presence will disrupt your ability to be fully present with your pet, then I suggest offering a compromise. Allow him in the yard to have a private goodbye with the dog, and then have him step back and let you be one-on-one in the final moments.
Want Advice on Parenting, Kids, or Family Life?
Submit your questions to Care and Feeding here. It’s anonymous! (Questions may be edited for publication.)
Dear Care and Feeding,
My 7.5-year-old was in gymnastics for five years and was invited to join the competitive team last year. We declined because it seemed like a lot for a 6-year-old and we were about to move.
After the move, she wanted to try dance, which she stuck with for the year. At the end of the school year, she said class was boring so we won’t be enrolling again. They did seem to do a lot of the same things over and over, which was also an issue in gymnastics until we moved her up to the advanced pre-competitive class. Now she’s interested in switching back to gymnastics or trying cheer.
Any insight on the best option for a high-energy kid who is prone to boredom when not challenged? Is cheer more high energy than gymnastics or vice versa? Does this vary from gym to gym? Is it just time to try out for a team? Any advice on what questions to ask to find a good fit?
I’ve asked around, but most of the feedback concerns younger kids or kids happy with the basic classes. My daughter is no future Olympian, but I don’t see the point in shuttling her around so she can be bored/not challenged. She can be bored for free at home! Ultimately I will let her decide, but I could use some guidance.
—Cheers vs. Gym
Dear Cheers,
I have the fortune of having a couple of cheer and gymnastics moms in my parenting village! Their advice was to start by getting a more specific sense of your kid’s likes and dislikes. For example, if she hates waiting in line for her turn with the coach or apparatus, she’ll have some of that in either activity, but more so in gymnastics. Cheer involves a lot of physical movement, so if she loves that element, it could be a great fit. Does she like to perfect a skill all on her own, or does she prefer the interdependence of a team? Is she bored when doing a skill 10 weeks in a row, or is she bored when waiting for other kids to “catch up?” Discussing these and other details could help you zero in on what she’ll enjoy the most.
Next, get to know the programs in your area. My Texas cheer mom friend tells me that in her area, the cheer programs are organized by level of difficulty but also level of commitment—which is a great way to find a program that fits your kid and your lifestyle. My Illinois gymnastics mom friend says that her daughter’s competitive gym program has a competition season and a progression season; competition season is where they hone skills to perfection, and progression season is where they scaffold up to new skills. A competitive program, then, doesn’t necessarily mean they’re competing all year long, which might feel less daunting.
Here are the questions they suggest you ask as you look at your options:
-
Are there private lessons? Your daughter would have the coach’s full attention, and you’d get a personalized recommendation on where her skill set is and what program would be a good fit. This might be more common in gymnastics than cheer.
-
What’s the coach-to-participant ratio, and how much individualized or small-group instruction is there?
-
For gymnastics, what kind of equipment is there? For cheer, what kinds of routines are learned?
-
Are the kids grouped by skill (where there is usually some kind of skill clinic or audition) or by age? Are there opportunities to move up or down if it’s not right for her?
-
If your daughter doesn’t participate in a competitive program, how advanced instruction are they willing, or able, to offer?
My Illinois friend had some final advice, which is to consider whether you need to work with your daughter on mindset. “Cheer and gymnastics are team sports,” she said. “If you feel like you know more than the rest of the kids and you can’t learn anything, it’s not a great mindset—you can always improve. Can you be the role model for the other kids? What is one thing you really want to work on today?” That’s a great lesson that will serve any kid well, beyond the gymnasium walls. Good luck!
Catch Up on Care and Feeding
· Missed earlier columns this week? Read them here.
· Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group!
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have an 8-year-old who is insistent on sagging his pants. He loves wearing them low and showing off his boxer briefs everywhere we go. It’s driving me insane. It is an argument every day—and one of the only things we argue about. Do I just let it go or should I continue to fight with him about it? I know I can only control what he’s doing around me. The school lets the boys sag if they want and he has friends whose parents don’t care. How can I get him to stop?
—Done with Fashion
Dear Fashion,
You hit the nail on the head when you wrote, “I can only control what he’s doing around me.” Even if you have a rule that he can’t sag his pants, he will get to school and sag them—kids changing clothes at school is a pop culture trope for a reason! Consider striking up a compromise with your son that while he is with you, it’s Snug Pants Central, and when he’s at school or with his friends, he can be as saggy and baggy as he wants. Is he going to get it right all the time? No, but he might get closer. And learning that there is a time and a place for certain activities, fashions, and verbiage will serve him well as he grows.
But just like he has to learn how to adjust his behavior, you may have to adjust your expectations for what he looks like (even at the young age of 8). His pants may be the first of many objectionable-to-you fashion choices he makes in his life, so think of them as your training wheels. Practice deep breaths and acquiescence now so that you’re prepared for the vulgar t-shirts, pink mohawks, body paint, and more in your future. Good luck!
Dear Care and Feeding,
My son is almost 3 years old and has a best friend we’ll call “Friend” at daycare. They have an adorable friendship and have transitioned from the littlest kid classroom to the 2+ classroom to the preschool classroom within a month of each other each time. I know moving classrooms with Friend has made these transitions much easier on my son. We’ve had a few playdates outside of school, and on a recent play date, Friend’s parents shared that Friend will be going to a different preschool starting in the fall. I totally understand and support why Friend’s parents are switching schools; it sounds like a good decision for them. But I am sad for my son that his bestie won’t be in school with him anymore.
My questions are:
1. How can/should I prepare my son for this change? He’s almost 3, so he doesn’t have a good sense of time. When I tell him something is going to happen—say, Friend’s birthday party in three days—he wakes up the next day saying, “I want to go to the birthday party.” So, I don’t think I can or should give him much lead time on this. Part of me thinks maybe we just wait until Friend is not there and then explain it, but another part of me feels like I should prepare my son ahead of time.
2. How can I support my son in maintaining this friendship? It’s amazing to me at this age but they do really seem to have a strong connection. Friend’s parents, my husband, and I want to help the kids maintain their friendship, and we enjoy each other’s company when we have play dates. Plus, we don’t live far from each other, and Friend’s new school is literally on the block we live on. But I am admittedly and regretfully not good at maintaining friendships and I want to set my son up to do better. Should we enroll the kids in a weekly weekend activity together? Keep it less structured but have a commitment to have play dates monthly? How often do 3-year-olds need to hang out to maintain a friendship?
—The Second F in BFF?
Dear Second F,
There are a lot of questions in your letter! I totally get where you are coming from, but I want you to relax for a moment because I can offer you two pieces of good news right off the bat: The first one is that, at this age, maintaining a friend you don’t see a lot is pretty easy, because friendship is easy—it’s mostly about doing fun things together with a person you think is a fun hang. Even if they kind of forget each other between playdates, they’re likely to fall right back into easy patterns when reunited.
The second piece of good news will sound harsh, but I truly think it’s a blessing: Kid besties don’t have to be forever. Maybe Friend is in your son’s life forever, or maybe he’s only in it for another few months. Your son and Friend might each replace each other with new besties throughout this school year; that doesn’t negate the value Friend has brought to your son’s life.
If you allow for the possibility that the friendship might change or even naturally become less important to the kids, then your options become a lot less weighty or significant. An extracurricular is a really fun idea, but so is a monthly (or monthly-ish) playdate. I think your focus should be less on what the friendship needs (since I don’t think it needs much) and more on what all you parents can logistically and socially swing. And if you’re worried you’ll flake out, cop to it: “I’m really bad at organizing meet-ups but believe me when I say we want to hang out with you guys. If you don’t hear from me, please poke me; we aren’t ghosting you.”
As to your questions about how to talk to your child, coordinate with Friend’s parents and your child’s teachers so that you can align your conversation timing. (You don’t want them accidentally spilling the beans in a confusing or upsetting way.) You and the teachers can also discuss strategies for helping your son adjust to being in a classroom without Friend. My gut says that telling your son one to two weeks in advance of Friend’s departure is probably a good window. If you’re struggling with verbiage, I love using books to explain a major life change to kids. Ask your local librarian for some recommendations of books about friends changing schools.
I know this feels like a big change, but kids can be rather adaptable. I hope you’ll find that the school transfer isn’t a major disruption, but simply a next step in your son’s and Friend’s story.
—Allison
More Advice From Slate
My friend asks me three to four times a week if I want to FaceTime or Zoom, saying her 4-year-old son “Jack” wants to see me. I then proceed to sit around for the next 15 to 20 minutes watching him play with his toys. Most of the time, he barely acknowledges me beyond a quick hello.
This post was originally published on this site be sure to check out more of their content.
