Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband has had our beloved dog “Rex” since we started dating. Rex was a puppy then, and is now 6. His breed can often live as long as 14 years. He’s always been well-socialized and behaved with both people and other dogs. But after our daughter was born, things changed. She is only 3 months old, and he growls at her frequently. Rex seems especially upset when she has my husband’s attention. Multiple times he’s growled and tried to jump up on me and knock me over during breastfeeding when he was never a jumping dog before. Two times he’s nipped at her hands when she was lying on her blanket in the living room.
We now crate Rex at night and keep them in separate rooms during the day, but I think this is dangerous. My husband committed to taking her to additional training, but it hasn’t made a difference and I think it’s time to rehome Rex for safety. We argued horribly about it. My husband refuses—he says Rex is too old to find a good home and it would be a betrayal after years of pet ownership. He thinks the new training will help and wants more time. I think injuring our child would be a bigger betrayal. It would be so bad for my marriage, rough for my job, and daycare arrangements but I’m seriously considering taking her and staying with family until we fix this. What do I do?
—Mom First, Pet Owner Second
Dear First/Second,
This is an unhappy situation to be sure, but unfortunately not unheard of. Whether anxiety, jealousy, or something else, some dogs just do not jive with having a child around. Growls and nips are Rex’s way of communicating that he is uncomfortable—it’s the warning before the bigger reaction, and you need to pay attention to it. (Side note: Because a growl is a warning, never scold a dog for doing it, and instead intervene in whatever stressor it is that he’s warning you about.) Training, medication, and modifying your own behavior and lifestyle are all potentially viable ways to address Rex’s current discomfort. They all might also fail, and you and your husband must agree that your child’s safety comes first and figure out how to decide to throw in the towel.
I would suggest talking to the trainer together, as well as your veterinarian, about what kind of timeline is reasonable to give to the training regimen to see whether it succeeds. I would also ask them whether Rex may be a viable candidate for medication. If you can agree on either a timeline or some behavioral indicators that show Rex is making progress, that can get you and your husband back on the same team instead of butting heads.
However, the broader thing to consider is this: Even if Rex successfully completes training, will he be living comfortably in your home, or will he simply be behaving better while feeling miserable? I understand that your husband does not want to abandon his beloved pet—it’s heartbreaking to consider. But you both (and these professionals) need to determine whether living in a home with a baby is the best thing for Rex—especially if it means he’s separated from his family most of the day. Painful as it may be, a rehome may wind up being the most compassionate thing you can do for him. Many shelters and some vets have rehoming programs and will work tirelessly to ensure a pet can find a successful placement—perhaps even one where your husband can still visit Rex, if he wants that. Rex sounds like a lovely dog, and if it comes to this, I’m sure he’ll be able to find a lovely family. (And as an adopter of an adult dog myself, I promise there is a market for non-puppies out there.)
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 3-and-a-half-year-old who is in daycare, and she’s been coming home with increasingly disturbing stories about her interactions with a 4-year-old. They’re both girls, and it appears to have started with this girl telling our daughter that she “looks like a boy” and “shouldn’t wear shorts.” My kid took this to heart and has been having an absolute conniption whenever she wears something that she thinks might be perceived by this girl as “boy-like.” Lately, she’s been telling us that this girl is calling her ugly, pulling at her clothes, and growling at her. My kid seems to be taking all of this to heart, and I fear that it’s affecting her self-esteem.
—Sour in Seattle
Dear Sour,
First things first, if you haven’t already spoken to the teachers, please do so. They would likely want to be aware that this kind of pervasive behavior is going on in the classroom—especially since many childcare centers spend a significant amount of time on social-emotional skills and regulation. They can watch for this sort of thing and intervene when she’s speaking out. You can also work together on a phrase your daughter can use to advocate for herself when this other girl starts in on her.
Given their ages, I’d also reach out to the other parents. This is a phase of childrearing where we have to explicitly teach kids things that are obvious or awkward to us, and the parents might not realize something is going on with their daughter that they need to correct. I would hope that if you wrote a parent-to-parent email that was collaborative and used a light touch (“This is going on, and I doubt she knows she’s being hurtful, but my daughter is getting pretty upset by her actions”), the other parents would want to step in and redirect their kid.
I’m sorry you’re facing this kind of stuff so early. Hopefully, this situation can be swiftly resolved.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My oldest son is 32 and has been out of work since November 2023. He lost a job at his dream company and there aren’t a lot of jobs in his industry right now. His unemployment and most of his savings ran out in May and I’m now paying his bills, which run about $4,000/month. I sympathize, but I don’t think he is doing enough to change his situation or bring in money, and he’s doing nothing to reduce his living expenses. (He lives alone in a $2,200/month apartment with a garage). I’ve offered to pay for college or certifications, but he’s stringing that along as well. I have been treading carefully because I know his mental health was fragile even before he was let go but I also think he could be getting a job at a restaurant or coffee shop, as he’s worked as a line cook in the past and is an excellent cook. (In fact, he said he’d do this in June but that’s come and gone.) I think he should do anything to bring some money in. He thinks it’s a step-down and tells me it’s causing him mental anguish. I think he’s good at playing me but I also believe he has depression (it runs in our family).
I told him today that I was going to reduce the amount of money I am giving him because I am retired and cannot replace this money. I told him he was old enough to figure it out and I had faith in him that he would. I also told him that he would only get money from me if he talked to a mental health professional about his depression.
He’s very mad but we ended the conversation talking about recipes. Here’s the thing: It always sounds good at first but he’s really good at waiting me out. I’m concerned that three months will go by, he’ll still be waiting for the perfect job and he’ll be truly desolate and facing homelessness and having to sell his car and furniture. While I really want to stick to my guns and let him figure it out, can I really do this and watch him lose everything? He thinks he’s hit rock bottom already. He has no idea what it’s like to have $5 in his pocket and no place to live. He has a few friends and brothers and a dad, but he’s yet to ask for their help. We all live in small places with animals and he’s highly allergic and no one is flush with cash.
—Tired of Being an ATM
Dear ATM,
Stick to your guns. Yes, the prospect of doing something that negatively impacts his mental health is daunting, but can it really be worse than the mental anguish he must already be experiencing (even if denying or repressing it) from not moving forward? I have many loved ones who are diagnosed with depression, and experiencing a setback and then not overcoming it gets them into an insidious rut where it becomes harder and harder to counteract the thing that is causing them pain. So while I understand that putting your foot down feels risky, doing nothing is a risk as well.
We get a lot of letters around this and related themes; I’ve linked a few here to help you feel perhaps less alone in this conundrum. But the Slatesters seem to be more or less unified on this. It’s a kind and generous thing to have helped your adult son when he needed it, and most parents of young adults have also helped their kids in the past year (though perhaps not to the dollar amount you have). BUT there comes a point when enough is enough, and you have hit that point. You have to stand by what you said. You’ve given him a reasonable goal (just a job, not a gangbuster career position) and a reasonable deadline—after several months where he could have been doing something and chose not to.
I don’t know what it will be like to watch your son sink farther into his rut if your worst-case scenario comes true, and I sympathize. But I do know what it will be like if you run out of money and cannot support him or yourself years from now. Trust your gut, hold him accountable, and consider seeking the help of a therapist who can counsel you through this potentially rocky period. I wish you and your son the best.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I have been watching the political climate and Project 2025 with a lot of concern as we have teenagers at home, especially the chance that birth control is at risk. Both kids have honest talks with me especially about sex, birth control, and safe choices. My 17-year-old son’s girlfriend has Implanon, the contraceptive implant, and has talked to me and my daughter about it frankly. The kids also know that while incredibly loved, they were the result of birth control failures because I am very fertile and my birth control didn’t work for me. They know to use condoms as well, but I worry about my daughter not having two forms of birth control and accidentally getting pregnant.
We have been debating talking to our 15-year-old daughter about getting an implantable birth control device before it’s too late. She is not yet sexually active so we would encourage her to do something like Implanon instead of anything more invasive, but we feel like we would be remiss as parents if we don’t offer her the option. We are also comfortable enough that if it came down to it, we could travel abroad if it were available still in other countries, so not now doesn’t mean we couldn’t do something different later. (It’s hard to be optimistic right now.) Do you have any advice or guidance about this mess we are all facing right now?
—Parenting in the Age of the Handmaid’s Tale
Dear Under His Eye,
I appreciate your sex-positive and pragmatic approach to raising teenagers. I think you’re doing all the right things, and you’re right to be looking at this political climate warily. I’d encourage you and your daughter to speak to your family doctor, or daughter’s OBGYN if she has one yet, about her options. If the medical risks are low and you all feel that acting now is the safest path, go for it. Interestingly, implant cost is sometimes waived for patients under age 21, which may be another point to consider. On the other hand, you might decide the implant can wait until/if your daughter starts dating boys, whichever comes first. I would just watch very carefully what the legislature and courts are doing in your state. Any of these are viable plans—you just have to agree to one.
My final advice is that if you are concerned about the sociopolitical prospects facing your community or our nation, hit the pavement (here’s one option). Teach your kids about being politically, not just sexually, active (see what I did there?) and model the way. Lots of young people are disconnected from politics, and we’re at an inflection point on a host of issues from sexual health to environmental collapse. This is the time to safeguard their futures in more ways than one.
—Allison
More Advice From Slate
My husband and I have been married for four years and are raising our two sons from our previous marriages together. Our exes both have only limited visitation due to significant documented mental health issues, so the kids spend the majority of their time in our home. Unfortunately, my stepson has been a challenge from day one.
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