Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

Last month, while visiting my parents, my brother’s dog attacked my 6-year-old son. My son was running after a ball when the dog ran across the yard, knocked him over, and attacked. Luckily, he was bundled up in layers and a puffer coat. His clothes were ruined, and he had nasty bruising on his neck, shoulder, and upper torso from the bites, but his skin wasn’t broken. It would’ve been so much worse if it had happened in warmer weather.

Of course, I reported the attack to the county and gave my brother a heads-up. Well, he was LIVID and said a lot of hurtful, dismissive things to me, even comparing his dog to my son in terms of importance. We had a falling out over his reaction. (By the way, nothing even happened to the damn dog besides the dog warden coming to talk to my brother.) Before this, my brother and I got along fine but weren’t close. Most of my son’s contact with him has been at family gatherings with my parents. I have decided we won’t be going to any gatherings with my brother for the time being. His callous, selfish response to my son’s attack has shaken me.
My parents “don’t want to get in the middle of it” and invited both our families to Easter as long as the dog doesn’t come.

Should I explain to my son why we aren’t going to Easter at Grandma and Grandpa’s like we usually do? Or do I just tell him we’re doing something different this year for fun? If I tell him the truth, how do I ensure he doesn’t feel like it’s his fault?

—Change in Plans

Dear Change in Plans,

You can present this year’s alternate plans as something to be excited about, simply a change from the norm. However, if you’re going to be missing many more functions, then in the future, you can let your son know that you and your brother aren’t getting along right now and that you need to take a break from each other. If he presses for more information, let him know it was a disagreement between adults and nothing for him to worry about. There’s no need to tell him that your issue with your brother is related to the biting incident; as you note, it would be too easy for him to feel responsible.

Dear Care and Feeding,

Earlier this week, my 16-year-old son went thrifting with his friends. He found the score of all scores in his mind—a signed Mr. Beast T-shirt, sized large, with a signature and a doodle of a snake. One of his friends resells thrift finds and told him he could make $300 reselling the shirt. He bought it. He brought it home. He was so excited. Well, I washed it. He told me it was valuable, but I washed it anyway because it was from a thrift store. And … the T-shirt isn’t really signed anymore. You can just make out the faded marks of what once was. (I have a picture if that helps.) He went from so happy to completely crestfallen. I don’t know what to do. Do I buy it from him?

—All Washed Up

Dear All Washed Up,

If you can comfortably afford to give your son all or part of the $300 he might have made selling the shirt, then do it—that would be kind, and it sounds like it’s the monetary value, and not any sentimental attachment, that matters to him. If you can’t, he’ll simply have to settle for your sincerest apology. If he hadn’t already, your son is learning a lesson that all kids end up learning at some point: Parents make mistakes, too. You didn’t act in malice, nor had he asked you not to wash the shirt (unless you didn’t include that), and it is indeed prudent to wash items from thrift shops. This is just a sucky thing that happened. Encourage him to keep thrifting and promise you’ll never mess with any of his finds again.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My fiancé is self-employed in an outdoorsy business in a beach town. Since adolescence, he’s exclusively gone barefoot and has only worn shoes that mimic the barefoot experience. As a result, his feet are so hideous that when I first met him, they put me off. On top of having soles like hooves, his toes are all splayed so far apart that his whole foot forms a ducklike triangle instead of a standard foot shape. He maintains, however, that what we think of as a “foot” shape is caused by wearing shoes that are not properly formed to the “natural” human foot. He’s tried to get me on board with this, but he respected my “no, thanks.”

Now that we’re engaged, he’s been bringing it up again. I don’t want to tell him I find his giant wide-toed shoes and feet ugly because it’s such a small thing to accept for someone I love everything else about. But now he’s saying he wants to raise our kids the same way! I am very against this, especially if we have a girl. It’s bad enough for a man, but feet like his would be a serious problem for a woman. How can I put my foot down (LOL) in a sensitive way?

—Don’t Want Ducklings

Dear Don’t Want,

You’re going to have to be honest with your husband about your feelings regarding his feet. Let him know that they turned you off (as would be the case for most people), but you chose to accept them because you love him and you respect his choices. Tell him that you will not be raising your children to be constantly barefoot or to wear special shoes, and that it’s not up for debate. Explain to him that the social consequences would be too great for most children to bare and that you do not intend to put your kids through that. Remind him that his unique line of work allows him to indulge in his practice, but that it wouldn’t be acceptable in most schools or workplaces. Refuse to budge; your husband is lucky someone was willing to look past his feet (I have so many questions about how you did!) and accept him in the first place. It’s absolutely absurd for him to expect that he should pass this behavior on to another generation.

—Jamilah

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