Some people think only certain players or teams have “that dog in them.” For any readers who may not know, typically having “that dog in you” means that you play hard, play tough, and hate losing. You possess a dogged attitude. If you are one who retains a dog in their person, then you have certain unquantifiable positive qualities beneficial in realms that reward hard work, as much as those exist in late-stage capitalism.
I’m going to do the thing: dogs are defined by the American Heritage Dictionary as “a domesticated carnivorous mammal … occurring as a wide variety of breeds, many of which are traditionally used for hunting, herding, drawing sleds, and other tasks, and are kept as pets.” I’m more of a semantic prototype person than a definition person, but generally, dogs do the work.
But dogs of different breeds have very different personalities, in a broad sense. Some dogs want mental stimulation, some want physical activity, and others just want to lie across your lap and wag their tail. (Hi, Classy! I love you!)
Beyond that, dogs very often differ in temperament among their own breed. You can fall in love with a playful golden retriever as a kid then get a different golden retriever later in life to find that golden retriever two has the energy of a warm pillow. These things happen.
I say this to say that there are trends and patterns among dogs, but there is no singular type of dog in practice. Having “that dog in you” just cannot mean a single thing, if you are willing or weird enough to give this greater thought. Maybe you want to have a rottweiler inside of you, but your natural self might be more of a Great Dane. That’s okay! It’s okay to be you!
I would like to contend that all NBA teams have that dog in them. For example:
Boston Celtics – Whippet
The Boston Celtics won the NBA Championship last year. I mention that because you might not have heard. NBA Champions. Boston Celtics. Crazy times we live in.
The whippet won Crufts earlier this month. They have won Crufts a whole dang bunch, four times to be exact. They did it again.
Whippets are generally chill dogs in most circumstances, but they are sighthounds. If they’re given something to focus on and chase after, they are going to do it. If they want that championship, they might not be successful on their first go, but you know they will be back and going hard.
The Boston Celtics refuse to go away. A whippet might not be the dog you think of when you think of that dog, but they are certainly a dog. An effective, sleek, well-bred sort of pup. If you’re upset with this comparison, then that’s on you. Get a hamster or something. Train it to be evil. You can do anything you want in this life.
New York Knicks – Dalmatian
Dalmatians had their peak about a half-century ago. When the movie One Hundred and One Dalmatians came out, suddenly everyone wanted a Dalmatian. It led to bad breeding, and poor training, and an unearned negative perception of the breed due to the people handling it rather than the breed itself.
The Knicks, while pretty fun and awesome this year, also have their glory years decades in the past. And unfortunately they eventually fell under the oversight of Cruella De Vil. I mean CD and the Straight Shots. I mean James Dolan. I think you can see my confusion. I hate thinking about this.
But the Dalmatian at its best is a wonderful dog. They are active as heck. They want to go for miles every day, which fits in with Thibs’ impression of player rest. Dalmatians used to run alongside firetrucks, Mikal. You can play 46 minutes tonight.
One hopes they’re in a better place now. It’s not super simple to say so, though. One hopes their endurance can hold up.
Toronto Raptors – Pug
I don’t know why you exist. I’m not sure you should. Everything I see is small, tarnished, and ugly. You’re an affront to evolution. Win a basketball game on purpose. Otherwise, existence is torture.
>:(
Brooklyn Nets – French Bulldog
I think the simplest definition of a French Bulldog is “a mess.” Like pugs, they have that flat-faced, brachycephalic anatomy. Breathing is difficult. They are a designer breed designed to live in pain. Many people who insist upon their existence or possession do not seem to care.
But it’s all done on purpose. French Bulldogs were made to be this way. Out of place, out of pocket, and a vessel for day-to-day misery. It feels like the extremely transparent gentrification that took place in spite of the pleas of local residents and the execution of eminent domain necessary for Barclay’s construction in the first place. It’s yucky.
They should be in New Jersey. French Bulldogs should be … uh … maybe not be there either. I don’t know how else to phrase it. Just “No.” as a concept.
Philadelphia 76ers – Facebook memories of dead pets
Have you ever been having a good day and then get reminded of the absence of a pet you haven’t quite gotten over yet? That is this season for the 76ers. They were supposed to be good.
Then you get reminded of preseason predictions, and Joel Embiid’s start to last season, and the injury to Jared McCain, and it’s just … ugh. It’s just gross.
The algorithm does not have your best interests in mind.
Cleveland Cavaliers – Leonberger
They’re just so lovable. The Leonberger almost went extinct after World War I. Dedicated breeders brought the line back from the brink.
Their history is fascinating, and I recommend reading into it, but the general facts to know is that they are massive and were bred to be a companion rather than a working breed of any sort. 150 pounds of lovable fluff.
But like most large dog breeds, they don’t live long. They are born, they are awesome for a bit, they breed, and then they die. It’s sad in a way but picture the friendliest golden retriever you know. A Leonberger is that multiplied by three.
The Cavaliers have had brief eras of extremely lovable teams. They’re never a stalwart, but they’re filling the room when they’re there. The two LeBron eras and this current era are perfect examples. Go big, go hard, let’s see where it goes.
Leonbergers being brought back from the brink reminds me of this offseason as well. Fans of other teams were hoping to pick off pieces or players from the Cavs after just two seasons of this core being together. Dedicated to staying the course, the Cavs did not give up. And now they’re amazing.
Also to be super simplistic, the Cavs are dedicated to playing two bigs. Leonbergers are big.
Milwaukee Bucks – Poodle
At one point poodles were overbred with little regard for genetics. More poodles. We must make as many poodles as possible so that Giannis doesn’t leave Milwaukee. Giannis ordered 50 chicken poodles from Chik Fil A after he won the championship, if I recall correctly.
I feel like the common idea of a poodle is this comically groomed pup with puffs of fur everywhere, but that’s only really common for show dogs. Poodles in most people’s homes are just hypoallergenic, fluffy, and versatile companions. When they don’t look stupid, they are so lovable.
But they can also be neurotic and anxious. That is how Giannis interviews can feel sometimes. He finds the guy working to 95 percent capacity and encourages him to get to 100 percent. He finds the guy who is working to 100 percent capacity and tells him 110 percent is real. Anything it takes.
Indiana Pacers – Welsh Corgi
I guess there’s not much detail to go into here. Corgis are cute and fun. The Indiana Pacers are cute and fun.
Even as the Pacers made it to the Eastern Conference finals last year, I doubt there were many people outside of Indiana who truly believed the team could win it all.
There was a corgi on Tumblr years ago that could balance things on its head. It was great. That’s the Indiana Pacers.
Detroit Pistons – Husky
A well-trained husky will be one of the best dogs you ever meet in your life. One that does not get adequate stimulation or attention will be an absolute menace. They’re naturally rambunctious. You have to focus them or face problems.
That is the Detroit Pistons over the last two years. Last season, they were aimless, coachless, and winless. They embarrassed a state multiple times over, and their efforts were only of note due to how much destruction they caused.
But this year? They still have the best defense since Jan. 1. An engaged coach, a few dependable veterans, and a group of young players all taking a step have the Pistons firmly above the play-in. They needed some attention. They got it. And now they’re good.
Chicago Bulls – Kooikerhondje
The Kooikerhondje is a good dog. They are good. They used to be majestic royalty. Now they are good.
The Kooikerhondje was the dog most depicted in Dutch Golden Age paintings. Rembrandt painted them frequently. They were a symbol of success.
In the past.
The Bulls have not been the same since the era of Michael Jordan. Chicago is still a great basketball town, and the legacy of the team still means something, but there has not been much added to their resume in quite some time.
Atlanta Hawks – A cat
Trae Young seems like the basketball player for cat people. I can’t explain it. I just feel it.
Orlando Magic – Australian Shepherd
Australian Shepherds are energetic dogs. They are active, fun, and great at agility competitions. Watching them navigate a course designed to test their athletic mettle is just fun! They’re so playful!
It’s like watching the Magic play defense. They know they won’t score, but they’ll be damned if they let you score first.
Australian Shepherds don’t win a lot of Best in Show awards though. You have to be able to score. You have to set an offensive standard. While they are entertaining, youthful, and exuberant, they’re just missing a certain piece to put them over the top. They are lovely, but they’re not everything.
Miami Heat – Soft-coated Wheaten Terrier
This is just Pat Riley. Per the Soft-Coated Wheaten Terrier Club of America, “Wheatens generally want to be leaders and can be stubborn and headstrong.” They’re intelligent and they work hard, but that doesn’t always translate to results. And if the results don’t come, then, well …
Charlotte Hornets – Newfoundland
A Newfie might be the most chill dog you ever meet in your life. They’re big. They’re fluffy. They’re drooly. They’re just happy to be there in your life being a big ol’ dog.
LaMelo Ball is large for his position, he is chill, and sometimes it really doesn’t seem like he cares about too much. He might drool sometimes. He is also fantastic.
It’s extreme “I’m just happy to be here” energy. LaMelo is purportedly moving out of that stage now, but for the time being, it’s just nice to have him play.
Washington Wizards – An illegally downloaded copy of Nintendogs
You’re not a real team. You don’t get a real dog.
Oklahoma City Thunder – Barbet
The Barbet is not a common dog. This is a shame because I want one. After World War II, they were bred back from extinction by dedicated breeders. They are no longer endangered, as much as that relates to dog breeds, but it’s still exceedingly rare to find them.
This is very much the story of the Oklahoma City Thunder. At one point they had Kevin Durant, Russell Westbrook, and James Harden on their team. Three MVPs. None of them are there anymore.
But here they are back on top of the Western Conference. A small market team that was given time to rebuild through the draft and smart asset plays to be uniquely and universally awesome.
Denver Nuggets – Bernese Mountain Dog
Bernese Mountain Dogs are fren-shaped. If you see them, you want to give them a hug. They would give you a hug too, if that were a common dog activity. They are active for a large dog breed but also make very good companions.
Jokic feels like he would hug back too. Just an exceptionally large, good-natured, hard worker that just makes you think “This moment is nice. And it’s also cool.”
Also, Bernese Mountain Dogs are known for carting, that is strapping into a harness and carrying things from farm to town and so on. Jokic likes carting too, except on the back of a cart that a horse is pulling.
Could a Bernese Mountain Dog pull around Nikola Jokic? I don’t know, but I would love for him to find out.
Minnesota Timberwolves – Samoyed
Samoyeds are just cool, man. They’re white and fluffy and just evoke strength against the snow and cold. They’re built for that stuff. They’re big puffy fur makes you wonder how much is muscle and bone and how much is the soft cuddly stuff. But mostly? They’re cool.
Ant is also very cool. Maybe not fluffy, but he has an undeniable air of awesome, despite comments and personal situations that are maybe not ideal at all.
My partner had Samoyeds when she was young. They were named Frosty and Misty. It was wondered among the family whether Misty was part wolf. Like a Timberwolf. Maybe Frosty was a tree. Maybe her childhood pets predicted this era of the Minnesota Timberwolves. I can’t disprove it, so I’ll assume that’s the case.
Portland Trail Blazers – Belgian Malinois
When you trade away your best player since Clyde Drexler and start a rebuild (and then continue to rebuild year after year), things can start to get a little intense. Who knows if the coach is going to go? Who knows if a GM is going to go? It’s possible very few of the players on the team right now will be there in October.
“Intense” is the word for the Belgian Malinois. How they turn out as a pet or companion is extremely tied to the training they get. They’re a blank canvas, but one curved toward the edges. It could either turn out good or bad. They just need to be shown the right direction.
Utah Jazz – St. Bernard
St. Bernards are known for three things: being rescue dogs, having a short lifespan, and being depicted in snow-covered mountains in old cartoons.
Utah has the mountains covered, Danny Ainge repeatedly pulling the plug on past seasons takes care of the short lifespan, but the rescue? That remains to be seen.
They have to not suck at some point, right? The Jazz aren’t doing the saving at the moment. Maybe their next draft pick will do it for them.
In the meantime, they get to be cold and die fast.
Los Angeles Lakers – Bichon Frise
I imagine this will be the pick that has the most people up in arms. Fight me. I’m an ethereal being on the internet. You’re made of flesh, bone, and anger. I am made of words, electricity, and a deal with the god of death that seven specific other people have to go first. Two down. Five to go.
Anyway, Bichon Frises are very, very popular. They have a striking presence with their big black eyes and white fur. Fans of the breed almost wear them as ornaments. Owning a bichon is as much a statement about owning a bichon as it is about the dog themselves.
They also have small dog syndrome, despite the fact that being carried around in a rich person’s bag doesn’t exactly make them subject to much danger. Small dog syndrome, in an NBA fan’s psyche, results in constantly thinking you’re being overlooked, constantly thinking you’re the underdog, and constantly yapping your face off at the idea that any other team exists.
They’re expensive, possibly overrated, and deep in their own head. But again, they are very popular among a certain class of people. If that group of people had a consensus favorite team, it would probably be the Lakers.
Golden State Warriors – Bloodhound
The mark of a bloodhound is making quick decisions without hesitating when they have a scent. I picture the era of the Warriors third quarters a little while back. They spent the first half analyzing the aura of the other team. When they were let loose in the second half to track it down, nothing, no one could stop them.
A bloodhound on a mission is a sight to behold. They move, interact with the world, and push forward almost subconsciously. The Warriors offense, at its peak, was motion, intuition, and success at the highest level I might have ever seen.
And then there’s this year. Since acquiring Jimmy Butler, they have been one of the best teams in the league again. They have once again risen to championship contender. They are dedicated to their task in their own way. Try to stop them at your own peril.
Los Angeles Clippers – Golden Retriever
The Golden Retriever is the second most popular breed, according to the American Kennel Club. The Clippers are the second most popular team in Los Angeles. Yay!
Unfortunately, as much as I love goldens, they are extremely prone to health issues. Seeing a Golden Retriever happy and active in its later years is a joy. Seeing Kawhi actually on the basketball court engenders a similar feeling.
They’re just good. Good dogs. The Clippers are a good team. They don’t win championships, and it’s very sad when they die, but it’s hard not to root for them.
Sacramento Kings – Shih Tzu
A Shih Tzu, while lovable, is a small dog prone to bad things. If you were to try and punt a dog (which I am neither condoning or recommending) a Shih Tzu would be a solid choice.
But man, they keep going. They can live up to 18 years. When they walk, they pitter-patter back and forth in a super cute way. They were bred to spend time in royal palaces. They are basically monarchs. They’re kings.
But they too struggle. They have a hard time breathing. They don’t really do much. They just want attention and to be close to what or who they love. If you’re expecting much out of them, you’re going to find disappointment.
Phoenix Suns – Buster
As alluded to earlier, I had two golden retrievers growing up. Belker I most remember in his waning years. I remember when he was put down thinking and saying it was “good” because by that time it seemed to be the last thing waiting for him, and it seemed like it was being put off. I don’t think I quite demonstrated my intentions well as a little kid, and I came off as uncaring.
Later, we got Buster. For three years, we’d play around with tennis balls, and he would chase my friends to play, but he very quickly turned into a rug. You knew he was happy when you came home not because he’d come greet you but because when he saw you walk through a doorway, his tail would wag while he was lying on the floor. Just kind of smacking the tile. Happily? Maybe? I don’t know. I kind of don’t like thinking about it.
The point is, when I think about golden retrievers, I think of being old or turning old really, really quickly.
I fear the Suns are already past their expiration date. They’re not even wagging their tail anymore.
Houston Rockets – Giant Schnauzer
If you feel like applying narratives to dog shows, Monty the Giant Schnauzer is the example you want to use. To quote the BBC: “After reaching the [Westminster] final three years in a row, Monty beat more than 2,500 canines to become the first giant schnauzer to take home the show’s top prize.”
The Houston Rockets have been rebuilding for a while now. Last year, it seemed like they took their first step forward. This season, they’ve gone even further. They spent more than a small amount of time in second place in the Western Conference, and their young players are stepping up.
One hopes this could lead to a sustained run of success. You don’t have to be the very best immediately. It’s important to be very good first. They might have what it takes to win it all if they stick with it.
Memphis Grizzlies – Border Collie
Border Collies may not win Best in Show often, but if you put them on an agility course there’s a good chance you’re going to see something special. They’re a certain type of winner, but not the winner.
They are athletic. They go fast. They jump high. Their greatest qualities come in places that other dogs can’t really touch.
I think of the athleticism of Ja Morant. I think of the unique offense they run now. I think of the transition attack. The Grizzlies are good at what they do.
But at some point, they have to break through the ceiling of “successful regular season team” to become something else. Otherwise, they have a great team in a small market competing for relevance in a world that kind of grew tired of their bravado a couple years ago.
They’re great at being what they are. I’m not sure it’s what they want to be, though.
Dallas Mavericks – Golden Doodle
This is not a compliment. A Golden Doodle is a designer breed. Someone got the idea they knew better than ethical breeders and decided that merging poodles and golden retrievers would make The Dog.
Then other people stole that idea. Then more of them happened. Now it’s a mess of super cute pups with genetic issues and no standard whatsoever to genetic test or move toward. It’s just the whim of whoever is in charge. It can go really, really poorly.
Remember the Luka Dončić trade?
San Antonio Spurs – Irish Wolfhound
I would love for this to be more complicated or detailed, but this really comes down to Wemby.
Irish Wolfhounds are the tallest of all AKC breeds. And they’re extremely unique. Most of the time when you think of big dogs, you think of the fluffy, drooly, stocky kind, but the Irish Wolfhound is lanky and wiry.
They are a unique breed. They are large enough to scare off intruders, good with smaller creatures (as best as they can be with their awkward frame), and have a coat dissimilar to most dogs approaching this size.
They are a unicorn dog. Wemby is the closest thing to being an NBA unicorn since that term started being applied. They’re both extremely rare and impressive.
New Orleans Pelicans – German Shepherd
An extremely dog-type dog. They’re athletic. They’re memorable. You just want to give them pets and make sure they’re doing good.
They’re also a member of the herding group. Maybe if New Orleans can adopt enough of them, they can get their stuff together.
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